The Beginning of Now

 God didn't rescue me, but he sat with me, holding me in a comforting hug. I was so smothered by the heavy darkness in my mind that I sank deeply into that hug and melted like butter.

"This is so surreal", I whispered. "I didn't see it coming...a freight train barreling out of nowhere like a stray bullet randomly searching for a target. I feel so much mixed up emotion, and weirdly, at the same time I feel numb. I know that doesn't make sense, but it is what it is. And I don't know what to do with it."

"The anger is bullying my brain and heart. I've never let myself be angry. Since I was a tiny little girl, I worked tirelessly to keep the peace. There was too much risk involved in letting myself feel such a threatening emotion. Now it's boiling inside of me, ready to erupt all over me and everyone around me. Why didn't he talk to me? Why did he wait until I was on a road trip? And that phone call from him after his surgery, to tell me I should know he was the one that called 911 and got help. How does that make him the hero? How could he be so selfish? How could I be so stupid? I feel so cheated and so, so, vulnerable."

"And the fear is oppressive and expanding in every direction...fear of what happened, and the brutal reality of a potentially different outcome, and fear of the unknown...what if he tries again? When? Where? How? Why? Will I be able to stop him? Does he even want me anymore? Am I ever going to be enough for him? How is this going to affect our children? Is he going to lose his job? How am I going to support our family with no college education and zero experience in the workforce for nearly 30 years? How will we handle all of the medical expenses? How am I supposed to trust him now? What if people find out? Should I talk about it openly or keep it bottled up inside to avoid embarrassing our family? And..."

God held me a little closer."Shhh", he said very calmly. "Try to take a deep breath dear". Breathing had become a conscientious effort swaying from the extreme of forcing myself to breathe to trying to avoid hyperventilation. But there was an undeniable peace in having God with me, that I couldn't find anywhere else.

"There's also depression and anxiety", I whispered. "Such a gravitational pull to hide...physically bury my head under the covers of my cold lonely bed, and emotionally bury my heart in the depths of the ocean,"

"I know", he replied with emotion in his voice. "I know dear. Just hang on to me. And if you lose your grip, I'll hang on to you until you can grab ahold of me again. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here beside you through this entire journey. As for the future, just look at what's right in front of you and I will guide your steps."

"That's so hard for me!" I spoke harshly as I hurried to jump to my feet. "My anxiety will destroy me if I let things go. I run the household, pay the bills, do the grocery shopping and the laundry, prepare the meals, help the kids with their homework, take out the garbage, make all necessary daily accommodations for my husband, clean up after everyone, run all the errands, take care of my church responsibilities, not to mention squeezing in time for scripture study and prayer, and now I have to go to school full time, and work full time so I can support our family...and it's all...so...exhausting..." I squeaked as I collapsed to the floor. "I don't get how you expect me to do it all..."

"My sweet daughter," he said with such tenderness as he lifted my chin and looked into my eyes, "It is not requisite that you run faster than you have strength. The world isn't going to collapse if you focus on yourself. What's important will be taken care of, and the things that can wait will either take care of themselves or disappear. Your husband is still responsible for the financial welfare of your family. Stand with me, and together we will go give him that reminder. It's not going to be easy; he's going to fight it, and give you  every reason to believe he's not capable. But leave him with me...and I will help him figure it out. Do you trust me?"