This I Know to Be True

Gifts and shopping, parties and celebrations, wonderful food and sugary goodness, glitz and glitter, stress and pressure, Ho! Ho! Ho! and Old Saint Nick, sleigh bells and church bells, snow men and reindeer...

And the REAL reason for the season...Our Savior Jesus Christ. A tiny babe, wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger, because there was no room for Him at the Inn.

Oh how I adore Him! How sweet and humble, and incredibly wondrous...the most important event in the history of the world. A beautiful, perfect baby boy who would grow up to be my only hope for eternal salvation.

How grateful I am that He lives! I have felt His love and experienced His grace. In two thousand plus years, no one has had a greater impact on my life. Because of Him, I have hope for eternal happiness and peace. Because of Him, my heart is full of hope and faith and trust. He is my light, my hero, my greatest ally, my friend. How grateful I am to know Him and to love Him. He is the reason I rejoice during this wonderful Christmas season. May His love and grace, His friendship and example, be recognized in each of your lives today, tomorrow and every day the whole year through. For without Him...we are nothing.

Gifts

"Remember" was all the note said. But God didn't have to say any more than that. I knew what He was talking about...the greatest gift I have ever received. And sometimes in the "busyness" of life it's easy to forget the overwhelming deep feeling of gratitude I felt when I first "got it". It used to be so easy to lose my perspective, to remember the gift was personal...mine for the taking; to be cherished and protected, and held sacred in the deepest most private and vulnerable place in my heart. But the demolition changed all of that. I will never ever forget again.

Focus

Joseph, do you see them,

Those people standing near?

They have come to celebrate

Our son’s special day this year. 

They’re gathering together

So they can honor Him

To celebrate His birthday

Complete with all the trim. 

The mood here is so cheery;

The people are so kind.

They are the happiest people

You or I will ever find. 

Just look at all the gifts

They’ve brought here for our son.

It seems as if they love Him;

They know what He has done. 

He served them all so selflessly

Each day throughout the years;

He has loved and healed them

And wiped away their tears. 

He will be so honored;

This wasn’t just a whim.

Oh wait–what are they doing?

I guess they weren’t for Him. 

-Karla Claybrook

The Changing of The Guard

"Okay," I said as I hesitantly handed God my heart. "It's been shattered so many times...it's a little unsettling to just hand it over."
"I know," He said as He gently put His arm around me. "I understand your hesitation. I'm not asking you to walk away. You can stay right here beside me and we'll do this together. Were you listening when I said "love thy neighbor as thyself?"
"I do love my neighbors!" I replied in an exasperated tone. "All these years I've been delivering cookies, raking leaves, 'spreading sunshine', tending other people's children, befriending the friendless, writing notes of encouragement, visiting shut-ins, doing secret acts of service, preparing endless meals, washing mountains of laundry,  doing hours of grocery shopping, balancing budgets, sharing hugs and smiles by the dozen...Yes. I do believe I heard what you said."
God smiled as He quickly put His finger to my lips to quiet my impatient explanation. "As thyself, dear; I said 'love thy neighbor as thyself. In your haste to obey, you neglected an important aspect of that commandment."

He was right. I have never really loved myself. I didn't even know who I was. In 50+ years I had gone through the motions of life letting people and circumstances and trials and 'whatever' bounce me randomly through my journey of life, neglecting to pay attention to me. I was always in last place...by my own choosing; after all, my needs couldn't be nearly as important as those of the many individuals I had been "called to serve." So life went on day after day, week after week, year after year: not nearly enough sleep, no time for relaxing, "putting out fires", staying on schedule, accepting and completing every assignment, request and demand  that was placed on me...because saying no makes me a bad person/mom/wife/friend/daughter. I literally sacrificed myself. And in the end, there was no one to blame but me. I rationalized that it was all in the name of love, but it was actually all in the name of neglect. I had neglected to love the one who really needed it the most from me, in becoming a human door mat. I wouldn't expect such from anyone I dearly love. And God, never expected it from me.

Love thy neighbor as thyself. Love yourself first. Take care of yourself. Matter to yourself. Cherish yourself. Because God loves you. God takes care of you. You matter to God. And you, my friend, are cherished deeply by God, who is, by no small miracle, your Father in Heaven.

When The Dust Finally Settles

"I never thought I'd be grateful for demolition", I said. "It seems like a strange thing to toss it into the blessing category. While I can't say I am grateful for the shock, the pain and the confusion I felt, I can say I'm grateful for the work I've done...for the experience as a whole. No one can look at me and see anything any different...except maybe bigger, blacker bags under my eyes and an increase in wrinkles and grey hair, but I feel so completely transformed on the inside. And it happened so subtly that the realization of it surprised me. The sorting and sifting has been so hard and taken so long, but I'm seeing a clearing that's growing more and more noticeable with each passing day. I see 'a light at the end of the tunnel' and it's not a freight train"! God stood silent, letting my words settle deep into my own heart. I think this was a moment He'd been patiently waiting for...not for His benefit, for He knew where this work was taking me; but for the peace He understood was mine to grab and hang on to, lest it be left unprotected and drowned by colossal waves of doubt and despair He knew would surely come. 

"You have worked hard my child", He said. "And there is no other way. No one can do this for you. You alone are responsible for the work, though you don't have to stand alone to do it. This is your stuff. It's accumulated over the course of your life. Some of it was needed when you were a youngster, but now needs to be discarded as it has become useless in your life as an adult."

"Some of it doesn't even belong to you...others have taken advantage and placed it on you, knowing full well that you wouldn't question. It's still theirs and it's time for you to let it go. You've put it down...now leave it with me."

"Some of it is messy leftovers someone else left on your path of life...you had no choice but to walk through it and it clung to you like sticky black tar, making your travel much more burdensome. Stay with me...I have the ability to remove that and make it easier for you to move ahead." 

"And some of it you've had to carry, the consequence of sins you've committed along the way. It's such unnecessary weight. You can leave that here with me as well. If you allow me to walk with you, I will gladly share your burden, and upon your request, daily take from you the things that are not necessary for you to carry."

So much love I feel from God...and I don't even have to earn it. He loves me because I am His child. Period. How can I feel anything but deep gratitude for such unconditional love, coming from the most powerful being in the universe, who chooses simply to be called Father. I am so blessed.

 Matthew 11:28-29

Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.  

Come…approach me, make yourself available, reach out for me, need me, extend your hand to reach for mine, confess your sins, humble yourself, repent!

All ye that labour and are heavy laden…loaded with physical, emotional, mental or spiritual burden

And I will give you rest…I will give you…not make you earn…rest… trust me…just lean all your weight on me and I will support you.

Take my yoke upon you....Humble yourself…I’m reaching out to you…be willing to accept me, my strength, my power, my help, my love

and Learn of me…read and study about me…follow me…stay with me, I’ll show you, I’ll help you

for I am meek and lowly of heart…I am gentle and humble, kind and loving, accepting, friendly

And ye shall find rest…comfort…peace…calm and quiet…strength and hope…freedom from trouble, anxiety, troubled thoughts/emotions

unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

*  Never let an earthly circumstance disable you spiritually. 

*  No matter the size of the issue, how we respond can reset the course of our life.

*  Don’t just endure…endure righteously

Matthew 11:28-29

How can I help you?

Impatience, anger and attitudes

Boiling in your heart and mind

Are clouding up your view.

How can I help you?

Distractions, haughtiness and pride

Build up a wall of stubbornness

To silence desperate cries.

How can I help you?

Discouragement, uncertainty and fear

Are choking out your will to thrive;

My voice you cannot hear.

I cannot help you…

Until I hear your desperate knock;

For I would never force a mule

To yoke up with an ox.

-Karla Claybrook

So THAT'S How He Does It

"It seems a little perplexing how many people stop by here", I said. "Some just come out of nowhere and hug me, then quietly move on. Others approach me because they've heard about my demolition and want to be sure I'm OK. Many keep coming back to offer assistance and a listening ear. Occasionally some come because they are curious and they stare; but not having any idea what to say, move on and leave me in a sort of 'screaming' silence. That's always a bit awkward, but it's better that way I suppose...I don't know what to say to them either. "Angels," God said, "except for the 'curious onlookers'...they have their own agenda".

It's true. There have been so many "angels" who have come my way...with a plate of cookies, help with a meal, a "box of sunshine", a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a comforting book to read...all offering love and support in their own unique way. I don't think they have any idea how deeply I've been affected by their small acts of kindness. But God knows. He surrounds us with those who willingly respond to His invitation to enlist in His "army of angels" with whom, through His perfect timing, His infinite love and understanding, He works miracles...seen or unseen, noticed or not...simply to bless the lives of His children in ways that only He can.

You Want Me to What?

Lessons From Heaven

“It’s scary to think about leaving…

To go where I can’t see your face.

How will I ever return," I asked

"If I can’t remember this place?”

“I’ll give you lessons from Heaven”,

He said with a smile in His eyes.

A sigh, then a look of confusion

Was all I could give in reply.

“Lessons to guide your return, child

To your home, this place you once knew;

Trials to help you grow stronger

Don’t worry…I’ll be there for you.

The lessons won’t be very easy

Your heart will be aching with pain;
Some will seem harder than others,

Though not one will you learn in vain".

“You can do it”, he said as he hugged me;

“I know what you’re capable of.

You’re right…you won’t see my face

But child, I will send you my love”.

There really are so. many. lessons. And they are hard. And they do make my heart ache. And sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. And I cry a lot of tears. But, somehow God knows what lessons I need and He knows my limits. I used to think I knew my limits, but I know now that's not so, because I wouldn't ever consider taking me to the unbelievably frightening places God chooses to take me. I am much too afraid. But He has perfect perspective...and He never leaves me alone. He always holds my hand, and calms my heart, and wipes my tears; and when we get through it, I am always amazed at the strength and stamina I've gained...proving time and again that I am as capable as God knows me to be. Amazing. God, who is the most powerful being in the universe, waits for me and walks with me...because He loves me and believes with all His heart that I'm worth fighting for.

Ode To Joy

Deep sigh. "This is getting a little easier," I said. "It's actually doing my heart good...especially on days that I see the simple little gifts you've left for me." God smiled such a warm and sincere smile that I felt a tiny tear trickle down my cheek as a feeling of gratitude began to overwhelm my heart.You are always on my mind...and in my heart," He said. "I never want you to forget how much you mean to me. I'm so happy that you've noticed them. They are so subtle that they would be easy to overlook; but they are magnificent in their ability to fill your heart with joy...if you will allow them to."

They seem such a small thing...those beautiful gifts from God, so common place, if you will, that they can often go unnoticed: bright crisp blue skies, fluffy marshmallow-soft clouds, brilliantly colored leaves gliding softly and effortlessly to "join the crowd" on the ground below, and sunrises and sunsets gloriously painted on the horizon; a thank you note in the mail, a phone call from a friend, the arms of a loved one felt wrapping gently around your neck and heart...all experienced at just the right moment could be seen as coincidence...unless you're looking to notice God's expressions of love for you.

Not too many days ago I watched a video someone had posted on face book that piqued my curiosity www.mostexcitingworld.com/videobest-coin-ever-spent/ It only lasted a few minutes, but it touched my heart and drew me to tears. As it ended, I felt such deep gratitude for the ability to hear beautiful music, view incredible paintings and photographs, read uplifting literature...the result of gifts and talents so generously bestowed by God to fill our lives with joy, and enhance the beauty of this journey we call life. And in the silence that followed, I heard God's kind and gentle voice. "For you dear daughter," He said, "because I love you."

If You Ask Him, He Will Come

"You know a lot of people...that you don't really know", God said to me one day. "What is that supposed to mean?" I asked with a hint of frustration in my voice. "You know," He said, "people you're acquainted with...you know their names, where they live, perhaps what they do for a living, maybe even the names of their children. You may know their interests, their likes and dislikes, and their favorite way to spend free time, but you don't really know them...at least not like I do. I know their thoughts, their fears, and the intents of their hearts; I see their weaknesses and strengths, their personal struggles, and all things they choose to keep private from the rest of humanity. For me there are no barriers, but I will not go where I am not invited."

In the last several months, I've given this a lot of contemplation. Outside of the privacy of our homes or the quiet corners of our hearts, time marches on, life happens, the sun rises and sets sometimes without so much as a hint of our personal experiences to the rest of the human race. But God, who sees all, waits patiently for us to beckon to Him, and petition His assistance. Some days my heart hurts so much the pain threatens to crush me, until I fall to my knees and tearfully beg God for relief. It comes in waves always as fiercely and unexpectedly as a lion springing on it's prey. The hot tears gush from my eyes and stream down my cheeks. plopping into puddles on the hard wood floor beneath my knees.  I feel so sad, so broken, so vulnerable...but I immediately feel God very near. Instinctively I lay my weary head on the soft quilt covering my bed, as if to lay my head in His lap...and I feel a peace as gentle as a warm summer rain encompass me. "Be still", He says, and He softly and tenderly calms my troubled heart.

The Truth...The Whole Truth...And Nothing But The Truth

"Wow," I said to no one in particular. But God heard me and He waited silently for me to continue. "I keep finding stuff in this mess that doesn't belong to me..." God got a strange look on His face; then He put His hand under His chin as if to allow Himself an extra minute to digest the bit of information I had chosen to disclose. "Hmmm," was all He said as He gently took me by the elbow, quietly directing me to show Him what I was referring to. "See?" I said. "There's rebellion, disobedience, impatience, procrastination, stubbornness...I know who those belong to; I have enough of my own stuff here,  so I'm just going to set these aside and call them to their attention". God raised His eyebrows while He stared deep into my soul. "I think you need to examine these a little closer," He said.

A little closer examination? That's a "hard pill to swallow." I'm working hard to move this "mountain" and now I have to spend time looking at the crap I naturally want to blame on someone else? I'm motivated by the kudos and the pats on the back; hearing "great job!" or "that's some amazing work you've done!", pushes me to put forth even greater effort. But the really hard job is learning not to rationalize my way through life...to be willing to see my imperfections, my weaknesses and my shortcomings. At first it's humiliation at it's finest. Then my pride gets the best of me and I go into denial. But God still loves me. And He waits. Eventually, when I'm finished ignoring God, stomping around, and throwing myself a" pity party", He changes my heart and gently leads me through the process of purification. I've learned that God is full of grace and truth...and truth is still truth whether I choose to believe it or not.

May I Have Your Attention Please...

"Whoa! Hold on a minute..." I looked up, a little surprised that God had spoken so abruptly. He kind of caught me off guard. "You can't take this process lightly", He said. "Don't let yourself get casual or fall into the trap of merely going through the motions. You'll only cause regret in the long run." As He gently put His arm around my shoulder, pulling me into a tight hug, He quietly reminded me, "You, my dear, have got to pay attention."

Sometimes, I must admit, I lose my focus. My mind wanders a lot. More accurately, it wonders a lot. How is it that I keep finding "pieces and parts" of things I've already worked on, so sure I had finally put them behind me? What's the harm in moving on? Truth is...out of sight, out of mind doesn't apply here. What is ignored by "moving on" eventually catches up and blindsides you with an ugly wave of regret.

And some days I get to feeling pretty confident about myself...prideful, you might say, about how far I've come. And I become casual about the things that matter most. I forget, or decide I don't have time, to check in with God. I'm not as kind or as patient as I need to be, neglecting to offer the same love to others that God so graciously offers to me. I rationalize my behaviors, my moods, my attitudes, while easily finding someone or something to blame them on. My heart and mind become melting pots for discouragement, sadness, self pity and ingratitude. And I become a barrier to my own progress.

So, pay attention I will. And each time I'll be forever grateful that He loves me enough to remind me. One. More. Time.

There's A Butterfly In Here Somewhere

Sifting, sifting, sifting. It's such a long drawn out process. Some days I just can't even go there. I walk away and pretend it's someone else's mess because my brain is fried and the enormity of the task threatens to swallow me whole. I've been working at it for nearly a year now and God must have known what He was talking about because I can see some amazing progress. Here are some things I've discovered:

1) I'm not scared anymore. I am completely capable and willing to do whatever it takes to get my work done. At first I was paralyzed with fear. It took some time before I could move forward. I spent a lot of time wishing this didn't happen to me, that I could just wake up one day and everything would be right back to where it was before. It wasn't really good before...but it was familiar.

2) Life does go on...and every day it gets a little bit easier. Facing people was hard at first. Going out in public was the last thing I wanted to do. I worried a lot because I didn't have a clue what to say when friends or acquaintances approached me with the all too familiar "how are you?" greeting we all seem to extend to each other in passing. The standard "I'm fine" response seemed such a blatant lie, but that was my best alternative to throwing myself on the floor and drowning us both with my tears. I felt so fragile and transparent, and wished I could will myself invisible. But time and healing are on my side...and life seems a bit gentler these days.

3) Breathing is essential. No, I don't mean just sucking air through my lungs. I mean stopping in the midst of stress and chaos to consciously "take a deep breath"...or several "deep breaths" to clear my head and calm my heart. The world will keep revolving, the clock will keep ticking, life will keep happening even if I choose to stop moving. Pulling a blanket over my head, spending time by myself behind a closed door, going for a long drive, are all great ways to focus on me; and I need not feel one bit guilty for doing so...for as often and as long as I deem necessary. Truth is no one else can do my "breathing" for me. And we all know "breathing" sustains life.

4) Anger isn't a bad thing, but displacing it can cause permanent or hard to repair damage. Anger is a weird emotion...at least for me anyway. It pokes it's ugly head out when I least expect it. Most of my life I've shoved it down and tried to smother it with chocolate or some other comfort food. Mistakenly, I figured if I smothered it and ignored it for long enough, it went away; but it really only smolders on your inside until one day you can't hold it in anymore. Or until it causes so much pain on  your inside that you spew it out all over whoever happens to be closest to you...physically or emotionally. Sometimes that person happens to be the one you're angry with, but sometimes they just happen to be the unfortunate victim of your wrath. There are appropriate ways to deal with anger. Sometimes you have to swallow  your pride and get some professional help.

5) God really loves me...I mean like really really really loves me. There is nothing I can do or say to make Him leave my side. He is always there to comfort me, wipe my tears, celebrate my triumphs or stand a few steps in the distance to give me some space; but He never, ever leaves me alone. His heart aches when I'm hurting, and He feels deep sadness for my losses and disappointments. His arms are strong enough to hold me for hours or days...or months if necessary...and He never, ever grows weary of hearing my pleas for help and relief. He is perfectly patient, perfectly just, and perfectly merciful. He is my anchor in the stormy seas of life, and my biggest cheerleader in the race of life. I don't have to prove myself or earn His love; I just have to give myself permission to feel it.

Sifting. Who knew it could be so rewarding? God did...He even told me so. And now I think I believe Him.

Voice Lessons

"I'm not so sure I know what to do with this stuff", I said. "Can't you just tell me? I'll do whatever you say." God put His arm around me and smiled. "It's not mine to decide", He said. "It's yours...no one can do it for you. You have to learn to use your voice; speak up and make your thoughts and feelings known". I stood there staring, my uneasiness growing with every passing minute while the familiar habit of procrastination began to slowly drape itself over my weary mind...and fear gripped my grieving, aching heart. I tumbled to the ground in a heap of self pity, wondering to myself why this had to happen to me.

Until recently, I've felt uncomfortable using my voice. My entire life I have sacrificed my opinions, my wants and my needs to make others happy, to gain approval, to prove my worth. I've been a die hard "people pleaser" and as often as possible, I've let just about everyone I've interacted with be the "boss of me". In some of my closest personal  relationships, I've let the other individual dictate how my time is to be spent, what I have to accomplish, even how long and hard I push myself; then I secretly feel resentment and quietly grumble to myself about how much I hate being at their mercy.

Life has been hard and pretty unpleasant for the most part, but I've let myself believe it's my lot in life and God expects me to handle it.

Now several months into this experience, I have a strong voice and I'm not afraid to use it. I am the "boss of me" and no one takes better care of me than I do. My opinions, my wants, and my needs matter very much to me, and making sure they are not neglected or ignored is essential to taking care of myself. I know in my head, and believe firmly in my heart, that I am a beloved, cherished daughter of God. And while He asks me to look out for and love my "neighbor", the other half of that commandment..."as thyself"...is not to be overlooked in finding balance and purpose in my life here on earth. How very grateful I am for hard experiences that provide some of my life's most beautiful lessons...and for God...who never ever misses an opportunity to teach me.

A Lesson In Pride And Humility

"Let me give you a lesson in perspective", God said. "It will help you to see the importance of seeing things as they really are, rather than slipping into the mode of rationalization or denial. It will be easy to side step some of this work...make excuses for your unwillingness to dig deeper, to deal with more than what lies on the surface. Digging is grueling, and sometimes very painful. However, it provides stamina that is essential to giving you the strength to keep working; to resist the temptation to hide in a corner in the misleading disguise of a victim".

While driving my daughter to school one day, I couldn't help but observe the beauty of the early morning hours. The sky was a crisp clear blue, gloriously lit with the brilliant calming light of the sun dawning on what felt like the beginning of a fabulous day. I could hear the song filled chirping of birds, and felt my heart bursting with the thought that I was in a really good place in my personal life. The "dust" from the "mess" I'd found myself in months previously had finally settled, and I was grateful to be in a peaceful stretch of "coasting".

However, driving back home I realized it took much greater concentration and focus as I noticed, now driving into the sunlight, that the inside of my windshield was covered with a thick layer of streaks and smudges. And with that realization came this analogy that sank deep into my mind:

"In life you must walk toward the SON (Jesus Christ); daily prayer, scripture study, obeying the commandments...will all help you walk toward Him. This is a daily choice. When you choose not to do the things that will help you be closer to Him, you "walk" on your own and it is easy to fall into the trap of rationalization that all is well, denial that there is any change to be made. But in "walking" toward Him, by doing the things that will help you be closer to Him, you will likely become aware of the "streaks and smudges on your inside"...attitudes, habits, thoughts, actions, faults, sins and weaknesses that need to be changed or dismissed and replaced with something better. This can be done with His help. He is willing and always available; there is no time or other limitation to His ability or availability. He has many "windshields" to attend to, but yours will always be His priority...as long as it is yours. And when it is not, He will wait patiently...until you willingly extend the invitation to Him to come and help".

Such a humbling and insightful experience that was. He is ready. Always. He loves me. Always. I am His priority. Always. And I promise to give my very best effort. Always.

Getting My Hands Dirty

"The work will proceed in stages" God said. "First we will sort through all this debris. We will salvage what we can, but you'll find some of it will have to be discarded. There are some things you need to be aware of before we start:

 1) Memories of what was may interfere with the process. A tendency to want to hang on to something familiar, no matter how torn or broken, is natural. But discarding is necessary to make room for the new and beautiful that is to come.

2)  The process is tedious. You will at times become impatient and may be tempted to "just have it all hauled away" and be done.

3)  There will be tears...tears of frustration, anger, sadness, grieving and even tears of regret. Do not fight them; let them come. Tears are healing for the heart and cleansing for the soul".

Memories are powerful. And what's familiar can sink it's claws into your heart so deeply that letting go feels like it's doing more damage than good. But God repairs the damage a little here and a little there, until the scars are only as noticeable as the first tiny snowflakes of winter falling from heaven.

And sometimes I grow so weary. "Putting it all behind me" and "moving on" would be a much simpler way. But experience has proven issues too hastily ignored result in loitering, bulging feelings of regret that horde precious space in the previously more quiet corners of my mind.

Tears have been unavoidable. At first, I never knew what would force them uncontrollably bursting from my eyes, splashing down the front of my well worn clothes. My heart was plunged into a conglomeration of emotion that left me feeling completely spent at best. However, the healing they have provided over time, has enveloped my mind and soul, giving me a peace that, in the beginning, I felt was out of reach.

It is true...there is much to sort through. And it is tedious. But I am making room, creating space for something new and beautiful almost beyond my ability to imagine. And God is smiling because I am finally starting to see what He saw from the very beginning.

Trust Him, When To Trust Him Is The Hardest Thing of All

"Come over this way", God said. "There's something you need to see". I followed willingly, but soon realized He had taken me to a place I did not care to go. A surge of anger tore through my heart, coursing it's way quickly through every fiber of my being. Hot tears gushed from my eyes and down my cheeks as I turned and ran away. And God stood silently and waited.

It didn't take too long before I just couldn't stop the feeling of anger from overwhelming me. I was pretty skilled at keeping it buried deep inside at first, but it kept bubbling and gurgling until it suddenly burst out of me like an uncontrollable fit of vomiting. At first, it was repulsive...I hated how it made me feel absolutely crappy on so many levels, and I fought unsuccessfully to shove it down deep to my very core. But I finally resorted to the fact that I had to acknowledge it...face it head on, or allow it to destroy me from the inside out. And so, I took God's hand and together we developed a plan.

Patience Is a Virtue...So I See

"There's SO. MUCH. HERE!" I cried. Ugly destruction...the ruins of everything I'd known, exposed in such vulnerability as to make me want to turn and run. "Hang on", God said. "Take a deep breath and stay with me. It's going to take some time...a lot of time. This work is hard and painful and is done in such small increments that progress is hardly noticeable…until enough time has passed…at which point the evidence will most assuredly be both encouraging and simply amazing. You must pick up one piece at a time; look it over, examine it closely and process it's place and value. You may have to pick up each piece and put it down again several times before you decide what to do with it. But with time and experience you will come to understand and appreciate the process."

Once again, He was right. I've taken a lot of deep breaths and have had to continually redirect my heart to feel His love and presence. My days have been filled with pondering and contemplation about feelings, mindsets, and attitudes, each being evaluated over and over again. And the pain, some days has been  more than I think my heart and mind can take. If I look up to see the "top of the mountain" I feel physically sick and consumed with despondency and anguish. But He has never walked away. He is willing and always available to stay with me and provide me with help and peace and comfort that only He can give. He has many others to tend to, but I will always be a priority. If we allow it, He has a way of making us all feel that way...like the only one He has to worry about today. Some days are harder than others, but I understand healing takes time...lots of time...and I have eternity.

Some Words of Advice

"This work is going to be grueling. You're going to be overwhelmed and tempted to quit right from the very start", God said. "Don't be afraid. I won't leave your side. Take really good care of yourself...you have to be your own best friend. And pay attention. You can't become sloppy and careless with this kind of work". 

Deciding to take care of myself was hard. My whole life to that point had been spent sacrificing my own needs and wants to meet the needs and wants of other people, to prove I was "enough"...good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, competent enough, talented enough...That worked about as well as pouring water into a bottomless barrel, but I kept on as though another valiant attempt would be the one to make the difference. It never did. 

And don't be afraid? Fear might as well have been my middle name. I lived in fear. I was afraid of the unknown, afraid to say no or express my opinion; I was afraid of what other people thought, afraid of change and afraid to think for myself. Fear pretty much ruled my life. I had a "voice" but I rarely used it. I had a comfort zone and I rarely dared step outside of it's ridiculously "safe" boundaries. And, I worked hard to gain a reputation for kindness that guarded my deeply buried insecurities.

Pay attention. There have been harsh lessons in remembering that priceless piece of advice. It's so easy to coast, take a break, go into "auto pilot" mode...but that always ends in disaster. I have to stay focused, pace myself and consistently "check in" with God, who is the architect of my life's plan. He expects me to "stand up", "step up" and "show up" every single day. 

He's right. This is completely overwhelming. I can't do this, but He can and He's willing. And in the end, the benefit is all for me.

No Turning Back...

My life has not turned out how I planned. I'm smart enough to know "things happen", "people come and go", "life is full of twists and turns" blah blah blah...but really. It's like going to the carnival and seeing all the rides. Some are safe and rather boring; some are really fun and the thrill makes your stomach tickle like the rush of a hummingbird's wings. But others you don't even consider...they're just not even an option...like you wouldn't even think about wasting your time standing in THAT line waiting to see your life flash before your very eyes. But, THAT'S my life. That's the "ride" I'm on. I didn't choose, I was pretty much dragged kicking and screaming...and there's no turning back...the ride has begun. And I am left to me, myself...and God.

Be Not Afraid

"There's work to be done", God said. Though I already knew that, I couldn't see what He saw. An enormous mountain of rubble, belching clouds of smoke and ashes were all my devastated, shock ridden mind could see. "Demolition." He said, "Don't be afraid of it. It serves a purpose you don't yet understand. From this, I have the knowledge and ability necessary to build something glorious and magnificent. But I'm going to need your help". Tears cascaded down my cheeks from my red swollen eyes as He gently wrapped His arm around my shoulder and pulled me a little closer, waiting patiently in the deafening silence for me to give the signal I was ready to begin.

I Didn't See THAT Coming

In the beginning I was lost for awhile. There was an obvious course of action staring me in the face, but I was overwhelmed by the super human effort it would require. I kept begging God to "please help me!"and for a few minutes I would be filled with peace and the assurance that "I would be OK". But the panic kept sneaking up on me, and grabbing me by the throat and the peace would flutter away like a startled butterfly. One day, in a moment of overwhelming despair, I asked God "How do you expect I'm going to be able to pull this off? I just don't even get how it's possible." and He quietly confirmed to me I was right...it wasn't possible and He didn't expect it of me. HE had a different plan and was just waiting for me to quiet down long enough to hear it. I had to be very quiet for what felt like an eternity.