If You Ask Him, He Will Come

"You know a lot of people...that you don't really know", God said to me one day. "What is that supposed to mean?" I asked with a hint of frustration in my voice. "You know," He said, "people you're acquainted with...you know their names, where they live, perhaps what they do for a living, maybe even the names of their children. You may know their interests, their likes and dislikes, and their favorite way to spend free time, but you don't really know them...at least not like I do. I know their thoughts, their fears, and the intents of their hearts; I see their weaknesses and strengths, their personal struggles, and all things they choose to keep private from the rest of humanity. For me there are no barriers, but I will not go where I am not invited."

In the last several months, I've given this a lot of contemplation. Outside of the privacy of our homes or the quiet corners of our hearts, time marches on, life happens, the sun rises and sets sometimes without so much as a hint of our personal experiences to the rest of the human race. But God, who sees all, waits patiently for us to beckon to Him, and petition His assistance. Some days my heart hurts so much the pain threatens to crush me, until I fall to my knees and tearfully beg God for relief. It comes in waves always as fiercely and unexpectedly as a lion springing on it's prey. The hot tears gush from my eyes and stream down my cheeks. plopping into puddles on the hard wood floor beneath my knees.  I feel so sad, so broken, so vulnerable...but I immediately feel God very near. Instinctively I lay my weary head on the soft quilt covering my bed, as if to lay my head in His lap...and I feel a peace as gentle as a warm summer rain encompass me. "Be still", He says, and He softly and tenderly calms my troubled heart.

The Truth...The Whole Truth...And Nothing But The Truth

"Wow," I said to no one in particular. But God heard me and He waited silently for me to continue. "I keep finding stuff in this mess that doesn't belong to me..." God got a strange look on His face; then He put His hand under His chin as if to allow Himself an extra minute to digest the bit of information I had chosen to disclose. "Hmmm," was all He said as He gently took me by the elbow, quietly directing me to show Him what I was referring to. "See?" I said. "There's rebellion, disobedience, impatience, procrastination, stubbornness...I know who those belong to; I have enough of my own stuff here,  so I'm just going to set these aside and call them to their attention". God raised His eyebrows while He stared deep into my soul. "I think you need to examine these a little closer," He said.

A little closer examination? That's a "hard pill to swallow." I'm working hard to move this "mountain" and now I have to spend time looking at the crap I naturally want to blame on someone else? I'm motivated by the kudos and the pats on the back; hearing "great job!" or "that's some amazing work you've done!", pushes me to put forth even greater effort. But the really hard job is learning not to rationalize my way through life...to be willing to see my imperfections, my weaknesses and my shortcomings. At first it's humiliation at it's finest. Then my pride gets the best of me and I go into denial. But God still loves me. And He waits. Eventually, when I'm finished ignoring God, stomping around, and throwing myself a" pity party", He changes my heart and gently leads me through the process of purification. I've learned that God is full of grace and truth...and truth is still truth whether I choose to believe it or not.

May I Have Your Attention Please...

"Whoa! Hold on a minute..." I looked up, a little surprised that God had spoken so abruptly. He kind of caught me off guard. "You can't take this process lightly", He said. "Don't let yourself get casual or fall into the trap of merely going through the motions. You'll only cause regret in the long run." As He gently put His arm around my shoulder, pulling me into a tight hug, He quietly reminded me, "You, my dear, have got to pay attention."

Sometimes, I must admit, I lose my focus. My mind wanders a lot. More accurately, it wonders a lot. How is it that I keep finding "pieces and parts" of things I've already worked on, so sure I had finally put them behind me? What's the harm in moving on? Truth is...out of sight, out of mind doesn't apply here. What is ignored by "moving on" eventually catches up and blindsides you with an ugly wave of regret.

And some days I get to feeling pretty confident about myself...prideful, you might say, about how far I've come. And I become casual about the things that matter most. I forget, or decide I don't have time, to check in with God. I'm not as kind or as patient as I need to be, neglecting to offer the same love to others that God so graciously offers to me. I rationalize my behaviors, my moods, my attitudes, while easily finding someone or something to blame them on. My heart and mind become melting pots for discouragement, sadness, self pity and ingratitude. And I become a barrier to my own progress.

So, pay attention I will. And each time I'll be forever grateful that He loves me enough to remind me. One. More. Time.

There's A Butterfly In Here Somewhere

Sifting, sifting, sifting. It's such a long drawn out process. Some days I just can't even go there. I walk away and pretend it's someone else's mess because my brain is fried and the enormity of the task threatens to swallow me whole. I've been working at it for nearly a year now and God must have known what He was talking about because I can see some amazing progress. Here are some things I've discovered:

1) I'm not scared anymore. I am completely capable and willing to do whatever it takes to get my work done. At first I was paralyzed with fear. It took some time before I could move forward. I spent a lot of time wishing this didn't happen to me, that I could just wake up one day and everything would be right back to where it was before. It wasn't really good before...but it was familiar.

2) Life does go on...and every day it gets a little bit easier. Facing people was hard at first. Going out in public was the last thing I wanted to do. I worried a lot because I didn't have a clue what to say when friends or acquaintances approached me with the all too familiar "how are you?" greeting we all seem to extend to each other in passing. The standard "I'm fine" response seemed such a blatant lie, but that was my best alternative to throwing myself on the floor and drowning us both with my tears. I felt so fragile and transparent, and wished I could will myself invisible. But time and healing are on my side...and life seems a bit gentler these days.

3) Breathing is essential. No, I don't mean just sucking air through my lungs. I mean stopping in the midst of stress and chaos to consciously "take a deep breath"...or several "deep breaths" to clear my head and calm my heart. The world will keep revolving, the clock will keep ticking, life will keep happening even if I choose to stop moving. Pulling a blanket over my head, spending time by myself behind a closed door, going for a long drive, are all great ways to focus on me; and I need not feel one bit guilty for doing so...for as often and as long as I deem necessary. Truth is no one else can do my "breathing" for me. And we all know "breathing" sustains life.

4) Anger isn't a bad thing, but displacing it can cause permanent or hard to repair damage. Anger is a weird emotion...at least for me anyway. It pokes it's ugly head out when I least expect it. Most of my life I've shoved it down and tried to smother it with chocolate or some other comfort food. Mistakenly, I figured if I smothered it and ignored it for long enough, it went away; but it really only smolders on your inside until one day you can't hold it in anymore. Or until it causes so much pain on  your inside that you spew it out all over whoever happens to be closest to you...physically or emotionally. Sometimes that person happens to be the one you're angry with, but sometimes they just happen to be the unfortunate victim of your wrath. There are appropriate ways to deal with anger. Sometimes you have to swallow  your pride and get some professional help.

5) God really loves me...I mean like really really really loves me. There is nothing I can do or say to make Him leave my side. He is always there to comfort me, wipe my tears, celebrate my triumphs or stand a few steps in the distance to give me some space; but He never, ever leaves me alone. His heart aches when I'm hurting, and He feels deep sadness for my losses and disappointments. His arms are strong enough to hold me for hours or days...or months if necessary...and He never, ever grows weary of hearing my pleas for help and relief. He is perfectly patient, perfectly just, and perfectly merciful. He is my anchor in the stormy seas of life, and my biggest cheerleader in the race of life. I don't have to prove myself or earn His love; I just have to give myself permission to feel it.

Sifting. Who knew it could be so rewarding? God did...He even told me so. And now I think I believe Him.

Voice Lessons

"I'm not so sure I know what to do with this stuff", I said. "Can't you just tell me? I'll do whatever you say." God put His arm around me and smiled. "It's not mine to decide", He said. "It's yours...no one can do it for you. You have to learn to use your voice; speak up and make your thoughts and feelings known". I stood there staring, my uneasiness growing with every passing minute while the familiar habit of procrastination began to slowly drape itself over my weary mind...and fear gripped my grieving, aching heart. I tumbled to the ground in a heap of self pity, wondering to myself why this had to happen to me.

Until recently, I've felt uncomfortable using my voice. My entire life I have sacrificed my opinions, my wants and my needs to make others happy, to gain approval, to prove my worth. I've been a die hard "people pleaser" and as often as possible, I've let just about everyone I've interacted with be the "boss of me". In some of my closest personal  relationships, I've let the other individual dictate how my time is to be spent, what I have to accomplish, even how long and hard I push myself; then I secretly feel resentment and quietly grumble to myself about how much I hate being at their mercy.

Life has been hard and pretty unpleasant for the most part, but I've let myself believe it's my lot in life and God expects me to handle it.

Now several months into this experience, I have a strong voice and I'm not afraid to use it. I am the "boss of me" and no one takes better care of me than I do. My opinions, my wants, and my needs matter very much to me, and making sure they are not neglected or ignored is essential to taking care of myself. I know in my head, and believe firmly in my heart, that I am a beloved, cherished daughter of God. And while He asks me to look out for and love my "neighbor", the other half of that commandment..."as thyself"...is not to be overlooked in finding balance and purpose in my life here on earth. How very grateful I am for hard experiences that provide some of my life's most beautiful lessons...and for God...who never ever misses an opportunity to teach me.

A Lesson In Pride And Humility

"Let me give you a lesson in perspective", God said. "It will help you to see the importance of seeing things as they really are, rather than slipping into the mode of rationalization or denial. It will be easy to side step some of this work...make excuses for your unwillingness to dig deeper, to deal with more than what lies on the surface. Digging is grueling, and sometimes very painful. However, it provides stamina that is essential to giving you the strength to keep working; to resist the temptation to hide in a corner in the misleading disguise of a victim".

While driving my daughter to school one day, I couldn't help but observe the beauty of the early morning hours. The sky was a crisp clear blue, gloriously lit with the brilliant calming light of the sun dawning on what felt like the beginning of a fabulous day. I could hear the song filled chirping of birds, and felt my heart bursting with the thought that I was in a really good place in my personal life. The "dust" from the "mess" I'd found myself in months previously had finally settled, and I was grateful to be in a peaceful stretch of "coasting".

However, driving back home I realized it took much greater concentration and focus as I noticed, now driving into the sunlight, that the inside of my windshield was covered with a thick layer of streaks and smudges. And with that realization came this analogy that sank deep into my mind:

"In life you must walk toward the SON (Jesus Christ); daily prayer, scripture study, obeying the commandments...will all help you walk toward Him. This is a daily choice. When you choose not to do the things that will help you be closer to Him, you "walk" on your own and it is easy to fall into the trap of rationalization that all is well, denial that there is any change to be made. But in "walking" toward Him, by doing the things that will help you be closer to Him, you will likely become aware of the "streaks and smudges on your inside"...attitudes, habits, thoughts, actions, faults, sins and weaknesses that need to be changed or dismissed and replaced with something better. This can be done with His help. He is willing and always available; there is no time or other limitation to His ability or availability. He has many "windshields" to attend to, but yours will always be His priority...as long as it is yours. And when it is not, He will wait patiently...until you willingly extend the invitation to Him to come and help".

Such a humbling and insightful experience that was. He is ready. Always. He loves me. Always. I am His priority. Always. And I promise to give my very best effort. Always.