A Mind Bending Diagnosis and a Huge Dose of Reality

 I started counseling almost immediately. The meaning of life and marriage and family was suddenly lost to me. There had been turmoil to one degree or another in our home for a long period of time, but always I had carried a sense of hope and faith in my heart. Now the trauma we'd experienced suddenly left me a confused involuntary participant in the clean up of the the huge miasmic wreckage of my family's "ruin".

"Are you familiar with the term codependency?" my therapist asked. We had by that time had several sessions together. "Well, I've heard of it", I said with a little reluctance, not sure where this was headed. There was a brief explanation, but I wasn't really following. "Two people...Why are we ignoring the "elephant in the room"?... "drawn to needy people" This isn't about my behavior..."becomes increasingly needy"...This mess wasn't my doing..."unhealthy"...I was suddenly feeling very defensive and I just had to shut down.

 I was still in the mode of trying to talk about all of the ways this trauma had thrown my life completely out of control...and I desperately wanted to regain at least some of what I'd lost. I had come to the conclusion, through therapy, and desperate pleadings to God for a plan, that I would need to prepare to separate from my husband to protect myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I understood the need for emotional and spiritual protection, however, I was perplexed over the need for physical protection. He had never acted violently towards me. I eventually came to realize it was more about physical exhaustion, and complete lack of self-compassion on my part, than about physical harm. I'd considered divorce, but God was very clear with His response "Do NOT divorce".

By the end of May, 7 months after his suicide attempt, I was beginning to form a plan. Details aren't really necessary here except to say God opened the way through a series of miracles, with clear direction moving forward, for that separation to occur. It wasn't easy, but I felt assurance that it was right, and hopeful that in a short amount of time we could get on the same page and begin the healing of our relationship, then return to be together again. When the school year ended in mid June, Rachel and I headed out to spend 3 weeks away with family. We both needed the extra love and support that would be extended to us, but I mostly needed the time to think, and build up my strength physically, emotionally, and spiritually for what was to be one of the most significant and heart wrenching changes I'd chosen to make to that point in my life.

My focus during our time away was mainly on my healing, my needs, details for the plan to move forward, and figuring out this codependency thing. I decided taking down ALL of my defenses would be the best approach if I expected to gain any ground in executing the plan.

It literally took the entire 3 weeks, but I was deeply humbled by my research on codependency. I was certain someone had been a fly on the wall of our home for the past 26 years. I could distinctly identify with all that I was reading. The harsh reality of just how dangerously unhealthy our marriage relationship had become was a bitter pill to swallow. Here are just a few things I could identify with:

• Codependents feel an uncontrollable urge to help others when they have a problem
• Codependents often try to hid their own needs and wants
• Codependents feel sad and frustrated that they give a lot to others but get nothing in return
• Codependents strongly believe that other people cannot like them or live them for who they are and try hard to prove that they are good enough for other people
• The seeds of codependence are in childhood, when a child has no choice but to accommodate a parent who is controlling, selfish, depressed, addicted, or abusive
• Codependents usually do all the giving in relationships
• Codependents learn in childhood to hyper-focus on needs and moods of a parent
• A codependent person will not assert a position or take responsibility for a choice
• Because their boundaries weren't respected as children, codependents don't set boundaries with themselves and others. The word no isn't in their vocabulary
• Sometimes one person in a relationship appears to be more needy and dependent, however, the other person is also codependent by allowing themselves to be controlled by unreasonable demands

Melody Beattie, author of "Codependent No More", describes a codependent as: "A person who has let someone else's behavior affect him or her and is obsessed with controlling other people's behavior".

As the end of our 3 weeks drew close, the reality of separation struck fear in my heart and mind. I was going to have to be the instigator. What would he say? What would he think? How would he react? What if he chose to divorce? What would our children think? What would they say? Would they shut me out or be supportive? My mind was reeling, and for a brief moment my courage escaped me. But I dug deep and I prayed hard, and God showed up, as He always did, right when I needed him most.

Time Marches On

"You are still responsible for the financial welfare of our family. Figure it out", I said with as much strength as my nervous insecure self could muster. I had called on my courage and God stood right beside me to bolster what little I had. There was not much of a response, so I turned and walked away.

Life became weird. I just can't describe it any other way. We were more like roommates who attempted to exist in spite of each other. I avoided him because I was swimming in a cesspool of emotion I needed time to work through. I was in counseling at the time, and knew I couldn't just push those emotions to the side, but acknowledging and processing them proved to such a daunting task I wasn't sure how to move forward. 

I also had to consider my 14 year old daughter and the severe trauma she had experienced. Every night as she tried to fall asleep, she was consumed with a rush of emotion that resulted in an intense anxiety, I could feel her uncontrollable shaking as I lay on an air mattress beside her bed. Together we talked, and prayed, and sang late into the night, until exhaustion won out allowing her weary mind and body to finally settle into a fitful rest. She too, was in counseling, however, healing proved to be slow and painful. Sometimes  progress was significant, but much of the time it was 2 steps forward and 3 steps backwards.

From mid October to the end of May we all just did our best to survive. I was angry, and hurt, and that all came to a head for me. I had no patience, and I was tired of non stop talk about his pain in his feet, his back, his neck, his arms...it just went on and on. He would do yard work and repairs around the house as needed, but avoided attending church with the family, supporting school events our children were involved in, helping out parenting/discipline issues, etc. His reasoning? If he did anything extra it would cause him to miss a week of work, which in turn could cause him to lose his job...and then what? And the accommodations he "needed" were more than overwhelming. I'd been dealing with all of that since 1996 and I was weary. For 16 years I was cooking special meals, preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner to meet his needs. The covers at the end of the bed were rolled back and folded precisely, with a fan perfectly positioned at the end of the bed year round to keep his feet cool. One night I spent 20 minutes (no exaggeration) trying to adjust it to his liking. He came home pretty much every evening from work straight into the bedroom and watched TV until 11pm or midnight. He became obsessed with different movies that he would watch over and over again, night after night, replaying different scenes and watching ALL of the bonus features. At one point I realized I'd been trying to go to sleep with the movie "Jaws 3" playing in the background for 6 months straight (again no exaggeration). He bought water from a bottled water store and kept a thermos filled with (boiled and cooled) water with  him at all times. He spent an exuberant amount of effort shopping (usually online) for socks with perfect thickness, shoes and sandals (worn with socks to protect his feet) purchased in multiples, and pants with seams and waistband least likely to cause discomfort with his lower back, as well as an assortment of machines, supplements, and gadgets, desperately seeking relief/healing. He went to multiple doctors and specialists spending thousands of dollars for treatments that were not covered by insurance. With our meager income stretched as far as it could possibly stretch, the needs of other family members much of the time going mostly unmet, and emotional health issues of my own, I was drowning. His declaration that he could no longer go to work, and his suicide attempt a few weeks later, ultimately pushed me over the edge. I had come to the conclusion I would never BE enough, nor would I ever be able to DO enough to satisfy him.