Stand Aside

"I don't know how much more I can take" I whispered under my breath. "The weight is crushing me."

"You want to tell me about that?" God said as He walked over and sat beside me.

"I'm weary", I stated rather matter of factly. "My mind is consumed with worry and concern, and I can't stretch myself thin enough. I see what needs fixing, but it's too big and overwhelming so I shut down and avoid it...all of it. But my brain doesn't seem to realize my heart is in "over my head". It just keeps reminding me about the "mountain of hopeless-mess" that's staring me in the face. I feel like I'm drowning in the emotional sea of life".

God didn't say anything. He just listened and leaned in a little closer to pull me into a hug. We sat completely silent for a really long time, and my anxiety melted like ice cream in the heat of the summer sun. I love sitting with God. Having Him with me is as calming as the waves crashing on the ocean shore, and as warm and comforting as an oversized soft blanket straight from the clothes dryer. With God beside me, nothing feels overwhemling or scary. He is my best friend.

Then quietly, the answer came. "My child, change your view. Let the burden you carry go...this isn't about you. You are not that powerful. Give up your selfish pride. This test is for someone else. You must stand aside."

Sometimes I do find myself feeling extreme sadness, anger or even fear, about how circumstances surrounding other people are affecting me. The emotion consumes me and I find I've made myself to be a victim of their circumstances. Time and time again, I make it "all about me". But I'm discovering there is wisdom in learning not to internalize other people's trials. While God does expect us to "mourn with those that mourn" and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort", we must not stand in the way while He lifts and comforts, and strengthens and teaches in a way that only He has the power to do.

Are You Brave Enough To Ask?

"What now?" I asked.

"Yes", God said, rather emphatically. "That is the question you must ask...with sincerity...and with real intent. Mere curiosity will not be enough for you to recognize the answer. And you would do well to start now...one day you will be grateful you asked."

"That's it? You're not going to give me anymore?" I asked.

"Yes, that's it" God quietly stated as He lovingly wrapped His arm around my trembling shoulders . "It's in your hands now". And with that, He turned and walked away.

What now. I had no idea what that meant. My life had taken so many twists and turns, and now...

Suddenly I felt lighheaded my heart began pounding, and I couldn't help but feel the pressure of fear and uncertainty wildly take control of me. "This is too much; maybe I don't want to know," I whispered to myself...and the fear won, beating the will of God into the dark, blank corners of my mind.

Days and weeks passed as slowly as a bitter cold winter before I gained enough courage to approach God with an open humble heart. He obviously loved me enough to give me a heads up...and if I trusted Him as much as I professed to, I knew deep down that avoiding the question was really not an option. I knew that He knew I would regret not taking His advice.

And now there are unforseen "forks in my road of life". But the impulse to move ahead in haste, has been replaced with the desire to pause as I ask "what now?" with sincerity, and with real intent to follow His will. I plead with God in my personal prayers day and night, and I ponder as I study the scriptures. And my mind is enlightened with "clues" that I might have otherwise missed.

I think God was right. One day, when I can look back, I believe I will be grateful that I asked. But for now, I am humbled that He loved me enough to extend the invitation.

Observation

"You were watching??!! And you didn't help me??!! WHAT KIND OF LOVE IS THAT?" I screamed at God as I stormed off in a fit of anger.

God didn't turn His back on me. But He didn't follow me in my frantic attempt to escape and save my pride. I was beyond my breaking point.

Finally alone, I collapsed in a heap while angry sobs erupted into a river of tears of sadness. I felt so conflicted. Numerous times, I've felt God's love and witnessed His hand in my life. There's nothing like knowing God's got my back; that He'll never fail to catch me when I fall. But this time I felt abandoned. I began to doubt what I thought I knew.

I'd laid there in the silence for a really long time before I recalled an experience someone had recently shared with me, of walking past the window of their motel room and seeing a friend and her daughter in the parking lot struggling to fit a bicycle into their vehicle. He recognized it would be a tight fit, but knew it would be possible if they put it in at just the right angle. He watched, and though they were unaware, he encouraged their efforts and cheered when they finally succeeded in their long exhausting attempts to overcome the difficult obstacles that seemed to shriek "FAIL!" He shared with me the joy he felt in witnessing their success. "And in that moment", he said, "I felt as though I'd had a glimpse of how it must be for God to watch us struggle, resist intervention, letting us choose to give up or keep at it until we succeed. And when we succeed, what joy must fill His heart."

The tears came again, this time though they were tears of gratitude that slowly coursed their way down my cheeks. And I smiled as I felt God's strong gentle hand on my head. Yes I had struggled. And I was exhausted physically and emotionally. But God had my best interest in mind when He chose not to intervene. He understood better than I. And because I stubbornly persisted and succeeded in winning this particular battle, I now stand stronger to win the war.

It Is Never What It Seems

I couldn't stop the tears from flowing as I sat contemplating my most recent discovery. These weren't tears of sadness; they were tears of joy...the intensity of which I had little experience with in my half century lifetime.

"I heard you", God said as He put a hand on my shoulder and sat down right beside me.

"I didn't think my crying was loud enough to draw any attention" I sheepishly replied.

"I wasn't referring to your tears", He said as He pulled me into a tight squeeze. "I heard your prayers...all of them...listened intently to every single word. I heard the anxiety and desperation in your voice. I shed tears for you...and with you...each time you knelt beside your bed and poured out your heart to me." 

"Sometimes I'm unsure if you hear me...I wonder if my prayers get past the ceiling. I don't see anything changing or getting any easier. I don't hear any obvious answers. But I keep praying because I know you're there. And the more I pray, the more peace I feel; and with that peace I find the strength to hang on a little longer. Then here and there, I begin to recognize little things that convince me you must have heard me...that you're working feverishly in my behalf. And then I cry. I cry because I feel so loved and so important to you. And I feel so much love and gratitude for you that I don't know how my heart can contain it. Thank you doesn't seem adequate, but there really is nothing else I can say. I love you."

God sat with me for a long time. And I let Him. It's pretty amazing that He's never too busy for me. And I'm grateful for His patience while I am learning never to be too busy for Him.

It's Good Enough For Him So It's Good Enough For Me

"Just wanted to remind you how much I love you", God whispered as He sat down beside me. "And I hope you never forget how much I appreciate what you've done for those kiddos I sent you."

Not too long ago I would have argued...or shrugged Him off at least. For a long time I didn't feel very successful as a mother. And once a year, when Mother's Day rolled around, I got a painful reminder from the committee in my head that I was a complete fool for even considering taking on the role.

Then God wrapped His arms around me and smothered me in love, while He reminded me of the amazing gifts He's blessed me with...genuine love for people, the ability to see through life's problems, the gift to understand His words and explain them well, a compassionate heart, the gift of laughter, a forgiving heart, and so many more. "All of these", He told me, "I've given you to help you in your role as mother. There is no greater calling. It's not easy. There will be mistakes. Some days will be overwhelming. Feelings of failure and defeat, discouragement and fatigue will creep in, and your heart will be shattered on more than one occasion. But no one will be of greater influence, sacrifice more, experience more joy, than a mother."

"Don't waste your time beating yourself up, putting yourself down, feeling responsible for your children's poor choices. This mortal life is a individual journey...you can walk beside them, but you can't carry them. You can guide them, but you can't move their feet. You can love them, but you can't save them...I gave that responsibility to your Elder Brother. And He's perfect at what He does...so trust Him and trust me...and don't stand in the way."

"You are wonderful. You are priceless to me. I'm here for you and I love you...always, forever and no matter what. Just do your best...and leave the rest to me."

Now I love Mother's Day. I am grateful for the blessing of motherhood. I love and honor and cherish my role...I'm grateful that God entrusted me with some of His children, who were His long before they were mine. I'm grateful for all of the other women who have helped and encouraged me, provided examples for me to follow; and for the Savior, who reaches in to fill in the gaps. I have never been perfect, but I've given it my best. And that is all God expects from me. To Him, my 10 is good enough! So, I allow it to be good enough for me.

Connection

Only moments ago

I wondered who you were;

Now that I am holding you

My heart begins to stir.

Suddenly I recognize

Now that we’re together,

I would give up everything

To be with you forever.

-Karla Claybrook

Because I Love You

Roman soldiers stood spitting…

Right in my face no less―

 And yet I understood, this was

The beginning of the test.

While laughing loudly and mocking,

They tore my clothes away;

Then harshly placed a crown of thorns

Upon my head to stay.

Carelessly, they chained and beat me;

It seemed a contest now…

Who could inflict the greatest pain,

Take courage from my brow.

Now tired and weak they placed me

On the cross still on the ground;

The mallet used to drive the nails

Made a horribly deafening sound.

Then struggling to raise me,

They shoved the towering tree

Into a hole deep in the earth,

And they kept mocking me!

“If thou art Christ, the chosen God,

Thy power let us view!”

But I prayed “Father, forgive them

They know not what they do.”

Then searching, I found my mother,

Tears spilling down her cheek.

I gave her to John to care for;

No words of regret did I speak.

Then humbly I spoke “it is finished;”

I died on the cross that day.

But knowing you needed a Savior,

I knew there was no other way.

“I love you,” He quietly told me;

Then calling me by name

He held out His hands to show me…

Now I’ll never be the same.

Were You Born In A Barn?

"I'm so exhausted," I complained. I was looking for some "company" at my pity party, but God declined my invitation. He just stood gazing into the distance, while I proceeded to squirm uncomfortably in the deafening silence...and suddenly God was about as welcome in my space as an intrusion of cockroaches.

"I've been watching you," He said as He took my hands. I felt a mountain of dread quickly overtaking me as He pulled me up out of my seat. "You have a heart full of goodness and kindness, selflessness and patience, encouragement and love...a heart of gold that proves all too fragile with the "unexpected" invasions of sadness, disappointment, embarrassment or fear, carefully cloaked in the billowing cape of anger. Easily caught off guard, you instinctively slip into the protection of emotional isolation, as trust gushes from your anguished, wounded heart."

I couldn't argue. He was right. My heart is fragile, the result of a lifetime of  handing it over much too freely, in exchange for validation, acceptance, attention and approval; I AM exhausted, and oh so weary.

"It's been all or none," I said. "I don't know how to do it any differently. I need help."

God pulled me into a hug as we stood silently watching the sun slowly sink behind the horizon. And in the silence I found the help I needed as I contemplated why I chose to have a relationship with Him:

• He is kind and gentle in His words and actions toward me. 
• He is patient, and tolerant of my weaknesses. 
• He loves me just the way I am, but encouraging of my desire to change and improve.
• He makes me smile and helps me see the good in every situation.
• He is comforting and compassionate, but doesn't rescue me from difficult situations or experiences.
• He is my friend...even when I feel angry and push Him away.
• He allows me to use my voice and my agency.
• He respects my personal space and boundaries.
• When I make a mistake He holds me accountable.
• His greatest desire is for my happiness and well being.
• I don't have to do anything to earn His love; He'll love me forever and always...no matter what.

"I think you're finally beginning to recognize how much you mean to me," God said. "With time, that understanding will sink deeper and deeper into your heart, filling the void you've so desperately been trying to fill. It will take time, lots of time, dear, for healing to take place. And in the process of healing, you will recognize that only MY heart is large enough, perfect enough...sufficient to take the world in. We must guard yours carefully. Stay with me," He whispered,"and I will help you keep it safe."

The Game of Risk

"Wait!" I said a little more impatiently than I had intended. "Just wait. I can't breathe."

Without a moment's hesitation, God turned around and traced His steps back to where I was standing. I couldn't hide my anxiety, or the fear I felt quickly flooding my insides before it burst out of my throat as a poorly disguised fit of anger.

I sat down hard and closed my eyes, wishing He couldn't see the fury of conflict assaulting my fragile heart. I knew where He was taking me. While the thought of proceeding evoked in me feelings of monumental distress, I couldn't dismiss the possibility for exhilaration when all was said and done. I was caught in a defining moment, knowing full well that my decision to face my fear or sprint hastily back to my comfort zone would ultimately determine my fate. With either choice came consequences I wasn't prepared to face. Time seemed to stand still as my head and my heart clashed in deafening silence.

"There will be many of these," God said. He seemed to understand my struggle, but gave no indication there was need for haste."...Moments when internal conflict will drive you to answer to the call for courage or shrink at the threat of fear. I know them well. You're not in it alone. I'll never walk away; I'll hold your hand, but the choice will always be yours."

Therein lies the conflict. Fear looms large and threatening, while courage lies deep and quiet...rising only when invited. There is risk in turning my back on fear; but God never fails to strengthen my voice...and courage never disappoints me.