Monday, September 30, 2013

Getting My Hands Dirty

"The work will proceed in stages" God said. "First we will sort through all this debris. We will salvage what we can, but you'll find some of it will have to be discarded. There are some things you need to be aware of before we start:

 1) Memories of what was may interfere with the process. A tendency to want to hang on to something familiar, no matter how torn or broken, is natural. But discarding is necessary to make room for the new and beautiful that is to come.

2)  The process is tedious. You will at times become impatient and may be tempted to "just have it all hauled away" and be done.

3)  There will be tears...tears of frustration, anger, sadness, grieving and even tears of regret. Do not fight them; let them come. Tears are healing for the heart and cleansing for the soul".

Memories are powerful. And what's familiar can sink it's claws into your heart so deeply that letting go feels like it's doing more damage than good. But God repairs the damage a little here and a little there, until the scars are only as noticeable as the first tiny snowflakes of winter falling from heaven.

And sometimes I grow so weary. "Putting it all behind me" and "moving on" would be a much simpler way. But experience has proven issues too hastily ignored result in loitering, bulging feelings of regret that horde precious space in the previously more quiet corners of my mind.

Tears have been unavoidable. At first, I never knew what would force them uncontrollably bursting from my eyes, splashing down the front of my well worn clothes. My heart was plunged into a conglomeration of emotion that left me feeling completely spent at best. However, the healing they have provided over time, has enveloped my mind and soul, giving me a peace that, in the beginning, I felt was out of reach.

It is true...there is much to sort through. And it is tedious. But I am making room, creating space for something new and beautiful almost beyond my ability to imagine. And God is smiling because I am finally starting to see what He saw from the very beginning.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Trust Him, When To Trust Him Is The Hardest Thing of All

"Come over this way", God said. "There's something you need to see". I followed willingly, but soon realized He had taken me to a place I did not care to go. A surge of anger tore through my heart, coursing it's way quickly through every fiber of my being. Hot tears gushed from my eyes and down my cheeks as I turned and ran away. And God stood silently and waited.

It didn't take too long before I just couldn't stop the feeling of anger from overwhelming me. I was pretty skilled at keeping it buried deep inside at first, but it kept bubbling and gurgling until it suddenly burst out of me like an uncontrollable fit of vomiting. At first, it was repulsive...I hated how it made me feel absolutely crappy on so many levels, and I fought unsuccessfully to shove it down deep to my very core. But I finally resorted to the fact that I had to acknowledge it...face it head on, or allow it to destroy me from the inside out. And so, I took God's hand and together we developed a plan.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Patience Is a Virtue...So I See

"There's SO. MUCH. HERE!" I cried. Ugly destruction...the ruins of everything I'd known, exposed in such vulnerability as to make me want to turn and run. "Hang on", God said. "Take a deep breath and stay with me. It's going to take some time...a lot of time. This work is hard and painful and is done in such small increments that progress is hardly noticeable…until enough time has passed…at which point the evidence will most assuredly be both encouraging and simply amazing. You must pick up one piece at a time; look it over, examine it closely and process it's place and value. You may have to pick up each piece and put it down again several times before you decide what to do with it. But with time and experience you will come to understand and appreciate the process."

Once again, He was right. I've taken a lot of deep breaths and have had to continually redirect my heart to feel His love and presence. My days have been filled with pondering and contemplation about feelings, mindsets, and attitudes, each being evaluated over and over again. And the pain, some days has been  more than I think my heart and mind can take. If I look up to see the "top of the mountain" I feel physically sick and consumed with despondency and anguish. But He has never walked away. He is willing and always available to stay with me and provide me with help and peace and comfort that only He can give. He has many others to tend to, but I will always be a priority. If we allow it, He has a way of making us all feel that way...like the only one He has to worry about today. Some days are harder than others, but I understand healing takes time...lots of time...and I have eternity.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Some Words of Advice

"This work is going to be grueling. You're going to be overwhelmed and tempted to quit right from the very start", God said. "Don't be afraid. I won't leave your side. Take really good care of yourself...you have to be your own best friend. And pay attention. You can't become sloppy and careless with this kind of work". 

Deciding to take care of myself was hard. My whole life to that point had been spent sacrificing my own needs and wants to meet the needs and wants of other people, to prove I was "enough"...good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, competent enough, talented enough...That worked about as well as pouring water into a bottomless barrel, but I kept on as though another valiant attempt would be the one to make the difference. It never did. 

And don't be afraid? Fear might as well have been my middle name. I lived in fear. I was afraid of the unknown, afraid to say no or express my opinion; I was afraid of what other people thought, afraid of change and afraid to think for myself. Fear pretty much ruled my life. I had a "voice" but I rarely used it. I had a comfort zone and I rarely dared step outside of it's ridiculously "safe" boundaries. And, I worked hard to gain a reputation for kindness that guarded my deeply buried insecurities.

Pay attention. There have been harsh lessons in remembering that priceless piece of advice. It's so easy to coast, take a break, go into "auto pilot" mode...but that always ends in disaster. I have to stay focused, pace myself and consistently "check in" with God, who is the architect of my life's plan. He expects me to "stand up", "step up" and "show up" every single day. 

He's right. This is completely overwhelming. I can't do this, but He can and He's willing. And in the end, the benefit is all for me.

Friday, September 20, 2013

No Turning Back...

My life has not turned out how I planned. I'm smart enough to know "things happen", "people come and go", "life is full of twists and turns" blah blah blah...but really. It's like going to the carnival and seeing all the rides. Some are safe and rather boring; some are really fun and the thrill makes your stomach tickle like the rush of a hummingbird's wings. But others you don't even consider...they're just not even an option...like you wouldn't even think about wasting your time standing in THAT line waiting to see your life flash before your very eyes. But, THAT'S my life. That's the "ride" I'm on. I didn't choose, I was pretty much dragged kicking and screaming...and there's no turning back...the ride has begun. And I am left to me, myself...and God.

Be Not Afraid

"There's work to be done", God said. Though I already knew that, I couldn't see what He saw. An enormous mountain of rubble, belching clouds of smoke and ashes were all my devastated, shock ridden mind could see. "Demolition." He said, "Don't be afraid of it. It serves a purpose you don't yet understand. From this, I have the knowledge and ability necessary to build something glorious and magnificent. But I'm going to need your help". Tears cascaded down my cheeks from my red swollen eyes as He gently wrapped His arm around my shoulder and pulled me a little closer, waiting patiently in the deafening silence for me to give the signal I was ready to begin.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

I Didn't See THAT Coming

In the beginning I was lost for awhile. There was an obvious course of action staring me in the face, but I was overwhelmed by the super human effort it would require. I kept begging God to "please help me!"and for a few minutes I would be filled with peace and the assurance that "I would be OK". But the panic kept sneaking up on me, and grabbing me by the throat and the peace would flutter away like a startled butterfly. One day, in a moment of overwhelming despair, I asked God "How do you expect I'm going to be able to pull this off? I just don't even get how it's possible." and He quietly confirmed to me I was right...it wasn't possible and He didn't expect it of me. HE had a different plan and was just waiting for me to quiet down long enough to hear it. I had to be very quiet for what felt like an eternity.