Were You Born In A Barn?

"I'm so exhausted," I complained. I was looking for some "company" at my pity party, but God declined my invitation. He just stood gazing into the distance, while I proceeded to squirm uncomfortably in the deafening silence...and suddenly God was about as welcome in my space as an intrusion of cockroaches.

"I've been watching you," He said as He took my hands. I felt a mountain of dread quickly overtaking me as He pulled me up out of my seat. "You have a heart full of goodness and kindness, selflessness and patience, encouragement and love...a heart of gold that proves all too fragile with the "unexpected" invasions of sadness, disappointment, embarrassment or fear, carefully cloaked in the billowing cape of anger. Easily caught off guard, you instinctively slip into the protection of emotional isolation, as trust gushes from your anguished, wounded heart."

I couldn't argue. He was right. My heart is fragile, the result of a lifetime of  handing it over much too freely, in exchange for validation, acceptance, attention and approval; I AM exhausted, and oh so weary.

"It's been all or none," I said. "I don't know how to do it any differently. I need help."

God pulled me into a hug as we stood silently watching the sun slowly sink behind the horizon. And in the silence I found the help I needed as I contemplated why I chose to have a relationship with Him:

• He is kind and gentle in His words and actions toward me. 
• He is patient, and tolerant of my weaknesses. 
• He loves me just the way I am, but encouraging of my desire to change and improve.
• He makes me smile and helps me see the good in every situation.
• He is comforting and compassionate, but doesn't rescue me from difficult situations or experiences.
• He is my friend...even when I feel angry and push Him away.
• He allows me to use my voice and my agency.
• He respects my personal space and boundaries.
• When I make a mistake He holds me accountable.
• His greatest desire is for my happiness and well being.
• I don't have to do anything to earn His love; He'll love me forever and always...no matter what.

"I think you're finally beginning to recognize how much you mean to me," God said. "With time, that understanding will sink deeper and deeper into your heart, filling the void you've so desperately been trying to fill. It will take time, lots of time, dear, for healing to take place. And in the process of healing, you will recognize that only MY heart is large enough, perfect enough...sufficient to take the world in. We must guard yours carefully. Stay with me," He whispered,"and I will help you keep it safe."

The Game of Risk

"Wait!" I said a little more impatiently than I had intended. "Just wait. I can't breathe."

Without a moment's hesitation, God turned around and traced His steps back to where I was standing. I couldn't hide my anxiety, or the fear I felt quickly flooding my insides before it burst out of my throat as a poorly disguised fit of anger.

I sat down hard and closed my eyes, wishing He couldn't see the fury of conflict assaulting my fragile heart. I knew where He was taking me. While the thought of proceeding evoked in me feelings of monumental distress, I couldn't dismiss the possibility for exhilaration when all was said and done. I was caught in a defining moment, knowing full well that my decision to face my fear or sprint hastily back to my comfort zone would ultimately determine my fate. With either choice came consequences I wasn't prepared to face. Time seemed to stand still as my head and my heart clashed in deafening silence.

"There will be many of these," God said. He seemed to understand my struggle, but gave no indication there was need for haste."...Moments when internal conflict will drive you to answer to the call for courage or shrink at the threat of fear. I know them well. You're not in it alone. I'll never walk away; I'll hold your hand, but the choice will always be yours."

Therein lies the conflict. Fear looms large and threatening, while courage lies deep and quiet...rising only when invited. There is risk in turning my back on fear; but God never fails to strengthen my voice...and courage never disappoints me.