"In the last 8 months, I’ve had a lot of time to think. I’ve thought long and hard about me and about you. I refuse to think I made a mistake marrying you because I got a very clear confirmation that you were in deed the man I was to marry. But, I know now I did make a HUGE mistake in not developing a relationship with you BEFORE we married. I didn’t give any thought as to what I had to offer as your wife, or what I needed or desired from you as my husband. I jumped right into a marriage with no foundation and worked overtime from the very start to keep from losing something I never really had. It’s now been 27 years with our anniversary passing just a few days ago...but still there is only you and I without a “we” or “us”. And I can’t spend another day pretending.
...I'm stepping back and doing what I should have done before we got married,,,giving a lot of serious thought to what I have to offer and what I need from you, as well as continuing to make changes that will eventually help me to bring my best self to the potential building of a healthy and lasting eternal relationship with you...."
Separation was a difficult experience for me on all levels. I wrestled with feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, loneliness, and impatience with myself and Charles. Admittedly I was prideful in my attitude about the changes I was making, while fuming about his lack of change. He complained a lot of pain, and discouragement, and his inability to focus. So many times in our conversations he was hesitant and his thoughts seemed scattered. Each time we interacted I asked him about his employment, pain meds, Dr appointments, and suicidal thoughts/ideations. And I always got the same message of desperation and inability to cope. I grew weary of his negativity and impatient with what I considered whining. I wanted him to "grow up" and "be a man", to take his responsibilities seriously as I was depending on him financially and we couldn't afford for him to lose his job. He deemed it necessary to work from home and his employer made necessary accommodations, with the understanding that he would get his health issues resolved and return to his regular duties and responsibilities.
I eventually decided I wanted out. This was too much. I needed to be cut loose and have a fresh start. So I began praying and having serious discussions with God about what that would look like. And his response caught me completely off guard:
"DO NOT divorce!"
"Wait. What? Really? This has been really hard on me and we aren't getting anywhere. I'm weary. And I hate being dragged down. Please. Don't you understand where I'm coming from? Do you even care?"
"Yes dear, I understand better than you do. You have your agency to choose to do whatever you decide. But I'm asking you to stop, and strongly consider that staying married will be a protection for you." And then he pulled me close, and wiped away my tears. One thing I've learned about him is he hardly ever takes my problems away. But he comes to me and offers comfort and strength when I can't stand on my own. And he stays with me for as long as l need him. God is never too busy to focus all of his attention on a broken soul.
Enabling
A weak and tiny chick
Stuffed inside a hardened shell;
Struggling for freedom from
The confines he knows well—
Carefully I begin
Administering some aid;
As I peel away the prison
His need to struggle fades.
Finally, as I free him
I watch for him to stir,
After sparing him the hardship
Of escape he must endure.
But sadly he lies lifeless—
His will to live is gone;
I’ve deprived him of the strength
His life depended on.
In life, God sees me struggle
From prisons of my own,
Though He chooses not to free me
For reasons to me unknown.
I’m tired, stressed and weakening;
It’s more than I can stand.
Yet, He will not release me,
But He will hold my hand.
-Karla Claybrook
