"I'm so exhausted," I complained. I was looking for some "company" at my pity party, but God declined my invitation. He just stood gazing into the distance, while I proceeded to squirm uncomfortably in the deafening silence...and suddenly God was about as welcome in my space as an intrusion of cockroaches.
"I've been watching you," He said as He took my hands. I felt a mountain of dread quickly overtaking me as He pulled me up out of my seat. "You have a heart full of goodness and kindness, selflessness and patience, encouragement and love...a heart of gold that proves all too fragile with the "unexpected" invasions of sadness, disappointment, embarrassment or fear, carefully cloaked in the billowing cape of anger. Easily caught off guard, you instinctively slip into the protection of emotional isolation, as trust gushes from your anguished, wounded heart."
I couldn't argue. He was right. My heart is fragile, the result of a lifetime of handing it over much too freely, in exchange for validation, acceptance, attention and approval; I AM exhausted, and oh so weary.
"It's been all or none," I said. "I don't know how to do it any differently. I need help."
God pulled me into a hug as we stood silently watching the sun slowly sink behind the horizon. And in the silence I found the help I needed as I contemplated why I chose to have a relationship with Him:
"I think you're finally beginning to recognize how much you mean to me," God said. "With time, that understanding will sink deeper and deeper into your heart, filling the void you've so desperately been trying to fill. It will take time, lots of time, dear, for healing to take place. And in the process of healing, you will recognize that only MY heart is large enough, perfect enough...sufficient to take the world in. We must guard yours carefully. Stay with me," He whispered,"and I will help you keep it safe."
I couldn't argue. He was right. My heart is fragile, the result of a lifetime of handing it over much too freely, in exchange for validation, acceptance, attention and approval; I AM exhausted, and oh so weary.
"It's been all or none," I said. "I don't know how to do it any differently. I need help."
God pulled me into a hug as we stood silently watching the sun slowly sink behind the horizon. And in the silence I found the help I needed as I contemplated why I chose to have a relationship with Him:
- He is kind and gentle in His words and actions toward me.
- He is patient, and tolerant of my weaknesses.
- He loves me just the way I am, but encouraging of my desire to change and improve.
- He makes me smile and helps me see the good in every situation.
- He is comforting and compassionate, but doesn't rescue me from difficult situations or experiences.
- He is my friend...even when I feel angry and push Him away.
- He allows me to use my voice and my agency.
- He respects my personal space and boundaries.
- When I make a mistake He holds me accountable.
- His greatest desire is for my happiness and well being.
- I don't have to do anything to earn His love; He'll love me forever and always...no matter what.
"I think you're finally beginning to recognize how much you mean to me," God said. "With time, that understanding will sink deeper and deeper into your heart, filling the void you've so desperately been trying to fill. It will take time, lots of time, dear, for healing to take place. And in the process of healing, you will recognize that only MY heart is large enough, perfect enough...sufficient to take the world in. We must guard yours carefully. Stay with me," He whispered,"and I will help you keep it safe."
I love you and your loving heart, dear friend.
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