A Mind Bending Diagnosis and a Huge Dose of Reality

 I started counseling almost immediately. The meaning of life and marriage and family was suddenly lost to me. There had been turmoil to one degree or another in our home for a long period of time, but always I had carried a sense of hope and faith in my heart. Now the trauma we'd experienced suddenly left me a confused involuntary participant in the clean up of the the huge miasmic wreckage of my family's "ruin".

"Are you familiar with the term codependency?" my therapist asked. We had by that time had several sessions together. "Well, I've heard of it", I said with a little reluctance, not sure where this was headed. There was a brief explanation, but I wasn't really following. "Two people...Why are we ignoring the "elephant in the room"?... "drawn to needy people" This isn't about my behavior..."becomes increasingly needy"...This mess wasn't my doing..."unhealthy"...I was suddenly feeling very defensive and I just had to shut down.

 I was still in the mode of trying to talk about all of the ways this trauma had thrown my life completely out of control...and I desperately wanted to regain at least some of what I'd lost. I had come to the conclusion, through therapy, and desperate pleadings to God for a plan, that I would need to prepare to separate from my husband to protect myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I understood the need for emotional and spiritual protection, however, I was perplexed over the need for physical protection. He had never acted violently towards me. I eventually came to realize it was more about physical exhaustion, and complete lack of self-compassion on my part, than about physical harm. I'd considered divorce, but God was very clear with His response "Do NOT divorce".

By the end of May, 7 months after his suicide attempt, I was beginning to form a plan. Details aren't really necessary here except to say God opened the way through a series of miracles, with clear direction moving forward, for that separation to occur. It wasn't easy, but I felt assurance that it was right, and hopeful that in a short amount of time we could get on the same page and begin the healing of our relationship, then return to be together again. When the school year ended in mid June, Rachel and I headed out to spend 3 weeks away with family. We both needed the extra love and support that would be extended to us, but I mostly needed the time to think, and build up my strength physically, emotionally, and spiritually for what was to be one of the most significant and heart wrenching changes I'd chosen to make to that point in my life.

My focus during our time away was mainly on my healing, my needs, details for the plan to move forward, and figuring out this codependency thing. I decided taking down ALL of my defenses would be the best approach if I expected to gain any ground in executing the plan.

It literally took the entire 3 weeks, but I was deeply humbled by my research on codependency. I was certain someone had been a fly on the wall of our home for the past 26 years. I could distinctly identify with all that I was reading. The harsh reality of just how dangerously unhealthy our marriage relationship had become was a bitter pill to swallow. Here are just a few things I could identify with:

• Codependents feel an uncontrollable urge to help others when they have a problem
• Codependents often try to hid their own needs and wants
• Codependents feel sad and frustrated that they give a lot to others but get nothing in return
• Codependents strongly believe that other people cannot like them or live them for who they are and try hard to prove that they are good enough for other people
• The seeds of codependence are in childhood, when a child has no choice but to accommodate a parent who is controlling, selfish, depressed, addicted, or abusive
• Codependents usually do all the giving in relationships
• Codependents learn in childhood to hyper-focus on needs and moods of a parent
• A codependent person will not assert a position or take responsibility for a choice
• Because their boundaries weren't respected as children, codependents don't set boundaries with themselves and others. The word no isn't in their vocabulary
• Sometimes one person in a relationship appears to be more needy and dependent, however, the other person is also codependent by allowing themselves to be controlled by unreasonable demands

Melody Beattie, author of "Codependent No More", describes a codependent as: "A person who has let someone else's behavior affect him or her and is obsessed with controlling other people's behavior".

As the end of our 3 weeks drew close, the reality of separation struck fear in my heart and mind. I was going to have to be the instigator. What would he say? What would he think? How would he react? What if he chose to divorce? What would our children think? What would they say? Would they shut me out or be supportive? My mind was reeling, and for a brief moment my courage escaped me. But I dug deep and I prayed hard, and God showed up, as He always did, right when I needed him most.