There's A Butterfly In Here Somewhere

Sifting, sifting, sifting. It's such a long drawn out process. Some days I just can't even go there. I walk away and pretend it's someone else's mess because my brain is fried and the enormity of the task threatens to swallow me whole. I've been working at it for nearly a year now and God must have known what He was talking about because I can see some amazing progress. Here are some things I've discovered:

1) I'm not scared anymore. I am completely capable and willing to do whatever it takes to get my work done. At first I was paralyzed with fear. It took some time before I could move forward. I spent a lot of time wishing this didn't happen to me, that I could just wake up one day and everything would be right back to where it was before. It wasn't really good before...but it was familiar.

2) Life does go on...and every day it gets a little bit easier. Facing people was hard at first. Going out in public was the last thing I wanted to do. I worried a lot because I didn't have a clue what to say when friends or acquaintances approached me with the all too familiar "how are you?" greeting we all seem to extend to each other in passing. The standard "I'm fine" response seemed such a blatant lie, but that was my best alternative to throwing myself on the floor and drowning us both with my tears. I felt so fragile and transparent, and wished I could will myself invisible. But time and healing are on my side...and life seems a bit gentler these days.

3) Breathing is essential. No, I don't mean just sucking air through my lungs. I mean stopping in the midst of stress and chaos to consciously "take a deep breath"...or several "deep breaths" to clear my head and calm my heart. The world will keep revolving, the clock will keep ticking, life will keep happening even if I choose to stop moving. Pulling a blanket over my head, spending time by myself behind a closed door, going for a long drive, are all great ways to focus on me; and I need not feel one bit guilty for doing so...for as often and as long as I deem necessary. Truth is no one else can do my "breathing" for me. And we all know "breathing" sustains life.

4) Anger isn't a bad thing, but displacing it can cause permanent or hard to repair damage. Anger is a weird emotion...at least for me anyway. It pokes it's ugly head out when I least expect it. Most of my life I've shoved it down and tried to smother it with chocolate or some other comfort food. Mistakenly, I figured if I smothered it and ignored it for long enough, it went away; but it really only smolders on your inside until one day you can't hold it in anymore. Or until it causes so much pain on  your inside that you spew it out all over whoever happens to be closest to you...physically or emotionally. Sometimes that person happens to be the one you're angry with, but sometimes they just happen to be the unfortunate victim of your wrath. There are appropriate ways to deal with anger. Sometimes you have to swallow  your pride and get some professional help.

5) God really loves me...I mean like really really really loves me. There is nothing I can do or say to make Him leave my side. He is always there to comfort me, wipe my tears, celebrate my triumphs or stand a few steps in the distance to give me some space; but He never, ever leaves me alone. His heart aches when I'm hurting, and He feels deep sadness for my losses and disappointments. His arms are strong enough to hold me for hours or days...or months if necessary...and He never, ever grows weary of hearing my pleas for help and relief. He is perfectly patient, perfectly just, and perfectly merciful. He is my anchor in the stormy seas of life, and my biggest cheerleader in the race of life. I don't have to prove myself or earn His love; I just have to give myself permission to feel it.

Sifting. Who knew it could be so rewarding? God did...He even told me so. And now I think I believe Him.