Hindsight

"Wow" I thought as I sat quietly contemplating. "I can't believe how far we've come."  We...God and me.

God pulled me a little closer and His smile grew a little wider. I didn't have to tell Him what I was thinking.

"I couldn't really even imagine this in the beginning. All I could see was the devastation; the brokenness all around me was suffocating. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hide. But you wouldn't let me."

"Holes are for cowards" God said. "And I taught you better than that...because I love you."

Tears flowed freely as I thought about how true that statement was. God does love me, even when I don't feel deserving of His love. He loves me when I'm sad and weary, or feeling smothered by fear. He loves me when I'm too tired to pray, and when I've frittered away my time for doing things that really matter. He loves me when I'm broken, or prideful, or angry...He loves me always. Forever. No matter what.

"Thanks for that", I said as I leaned my head on His shoulder. I looked up at Him in time to see a tear roll softly down His cheek. And I knew that God knew, that I love Him too.

Stand Aside

"I don't know how much more I can take" I whispered under my breath. "The weight is crushing me."

"You want to tell me about that?" God said as He walked over and sat beside me.

"I'm weary", I stated rather matter of factly. "My mind is consumed with worry and concern, and I can't stretch myself thin enough. I see what needs fixing, but it's too big and overwhelming so I shut down and avoid it...all of it. But my brain doesn't seem to realize my heart is in "over my head". It just keeps reminding me about the "mountain of hopeless-mess" that's staring me in the face. I feel like I'm drowning in the emotional sea of life".

God didn't say anything. He just listened and leaned in a little closer to pull me into a hug. We sat completely silent for a really long time, and my anxiety melted like ice cream in the heat of the summer sun. I love sitting with God. Having Him with me is as calming as the waves crashing on the ocean shore, and as warm and comforting as an oversized soft blanket straight from the clothes dryer. With God beside me, nothing feels overwhemling or scary. He is my best friend.

Then quietly, the answer came. "My child, change your view. Let the burden you carry go...this isn't about you. You are not that powerful. Give up your selfish pride. This test is for someone else. You must stand aside."

Sometimes I do find myself feeling extreme sadness, anger or even fear, about how circumstances surrounding other people are affecting me. The emotion consumes me and I find I've made myself to be a victim of their circumstances. Time and time again, I make it "all about me". But I'm discovering there is wisdom in learning not to internalize other people's trials. While God does expect us to "mourn with those that mourn" and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort", we must not stand in the way while He lifts and comforts, and strengthens and teaches in a way that only He has the power to do.

Are You Brave Enough To Ask?

"What now?" I asked.

"Yes", God said, rather emphatically. "That is the question you must ask...with sincerity...and with real intent. Mere curiosity will not be enough for you to recognize the answer. And you would do well to start now...one day you will be grateful you asked."

"That's it? You're not going to give me anymore?" I asked.

"Yes, that's it" God quietly stated as He lovingly wrapped His arm around my trembling shoulders . "It's in your hands now". And with that, He turned and walked away.

What now. I had no idea what that meant. My life had taken so many twists and turns, and now...

Suddenly I felt lighheaded my heart began pounding, and I couldn't help but feel the pressure of fear and uncertainty wildly take control of me. "This is too much; maybe I don't want to know," I whispered to myself...and the fear won, beating the will of God into the dark, blank corners of my mind.

Days and weeks passed as slowly as a bitter cold winter before I gained enough courage to approach God with an open humble heart. He obviously loved me enough to give me a heads up...and if I trusted Him as much as I professed to, I knew deep down that avoiding the question was really not an option. I knew that He knew I would regret not taking His advice.

And now there are unforseen "forks in my road of life". But the impulse to move ahead in haste, has been replaced with the desire to pause as I ask "what now?" with sincerity, and with real intent to follow His will. I plead with God in my personal prayers day and night, and I ponder as I study the scriptures. And my mind is enlightened with "clues" that I might have otherwise missed.

I think God was right. One day, when I can look back, I believe I will be grateful that I asked. But for now, I am humbled that He loved me enough to extend the invitation.

Observation

"You were watching??!! And you didn't help me??!! WHAT KIND OF LOVE IS THAT?" I screamed at God as I stormed off in a fit of anger.

God didn't turn His back on me. But He didn't follow me in my frantic attempt to escape and save my pride. I was beyond my breaking point.

Finally alone, I collapsed in a heap while angry sobs erupted into a river of tears of sadness. I felt so conflicted. Numerous times, I've felt God's love and witnessed His hand in my life. There's nothing like knowing God's got my back; that He'll never fail to catch me when I fall. But this time I felt abandoned. I began to doubt what I thought I knew.

I'd laid there in the silence for a really long time before I recalled an experience someone had recently shared with me, of walking past the window of their motel room and seeing a friend and her daughter in the parking lot struggling to fit a bicycle into their vehicle. He recognized it would be a tight fit, but knew it would be possible if they put it in at just the right angle. He watched, and though they were unaware, he encouraged their efforts and cheered when they finally succeeded in their long exhausting attempts to overcome the difficult obstacles that seemed to shriek "FAIL!" He shared with me the joy he felt in witnessing their success. "And in that moment", he said, "I felt as though I'd had a glimpse of how it must be for God to watch us struggle, resist intervention, letting us choose to give up or keep at it until we succeed. And when we succeed, what joy must fill His heart."

The tears came again, this time though they were tears of gratitude that slowly coursed their way down my cheeks. And I smiled as I felt God's strong gentle hand on my head. Yes I had struggled. And I was exhausted physically and emotionally. But God had my best interest in mind when He chose not to intervene. He understood better than I. And because I stubbornly persisted and succeeded in winning this particular battle, I now stand stronger to win the war.

It Is Never What It Seems

I couldn't stop the tears from flowing as I sat contemplating my most recent discovery. These weren't tears of sadness; they were tears of joy...the intensity of which I had little experience with in my half century lifetime.

"I heard you", God said as He put a hand on my shoulder and sat down right beside me.

"I didn't think my crying was loud enough to draw any attention" I sheepishly replied.

"I wasn't referring to your tears", He said as He pulled me into a tight squeeze. "I heard your prayers...all of them...listened intently to every single word. I heard the anxiety and desperation in your voice. I shed tears for you...and with you...each time you knelt beside your bed and poured out your heart to me." 

"Sometimes I'm unsure if you hear me...I wonder if my prayers get past the ceiling. I don't see anything changing or getting any easier. I don't hear any obvious answers. But I keep praying because I know you're there. And the more I pray, the more peace I feel; and with that peace I find the strength to hang on a little longer. Then here and there, I begin to recognize little things that convince me you must have heard me...that you're working feverishly in my behalf. And then I cry. I cry because I feel so loved and so important to you. And I feel so much love and gratitude for you that I don't know how my heart can contain it. Thank you doesn't seem adequate, but there really is nothing else I can say. I love you."

God sat with me for a long time. And I let Him. It's pretty amazing that He's never too busy for me. And I'm grateful for His patience while I am learning never to be too busy for Him.

It's Good Enough For Him So It's Good Enough For Me

"Just wanted to remind you how much I love you", God whispered as He sat down beside me. "And I hope you never forget how much I appreciate what you've done for those kiddos I sent you."

Not too long ago I would have argued...or shrugged Him off at least. For a long time I didn't feel very successful as a mother. And once a year, when Mother's Day rolled around, I got a painful reminder from the committee in my head that I was a complete fool for even considering taking on the role.

Then God wrapped His arms around me and smothered me in love, while He reminded me of the amazing gifts He's blessed me with...genuine love for people, the ability to see through life's problems, the gift to understand His words and explain them well, a compassionate heart, the gift of laughter, a forgiving heart, and so many more. "All of these", He told me, "I've given you to help you in your role as mother. There is no greater calling. It's not easy. There will be mistakes. Some days will be overwhelming. Feelings of failure and defeat, discouragement and fatigue will creep in, and your heart will be shattered on more than one occasion. But no one will be of greater influence, sacrifice more, experience more joy, than a mother."

"Don't waste your time beating yourself up, putting yourself down, feeling responsible for your children's poor choices. This mortal life is a individual journey...you can walk beside them, but you can't carry them. You can guide them, but you can't move their feet. You can love them, but you can't save them...I gave that responsibility to your Elder Brother. And He's perfect at what He does...so trust Him and trust me...and don't stand in the way."

"You are wonderful. You are priceless to me. I'm here for you and I love you...always, forever and no matter what. Just do your best...and leave the rest to me."

Now I love Mother's Day. I am grateful for the blessing of motherhood. I love and honor and cherish my role...I'm grateful that God entrusted me with some of His children, who were His long before they were mine. I'm grateful for all of the other women who have helped and encouraged me, provided examples for me to follow; and for the Savior, who reaches in to fill in the gaps. I have never been perfect, but I've given it my best. And that is all God expects from me. To Him, my 10 is good enough! So, I allow it to be good enough for me.

Connection

Only moments ago

I wondered who you were;

Now that I am holding you

My heart begins to stir.

Suddenly I recognize

Now that we’re together,

I would give up everything

To be with you forever.

-Karla Claybrook

Because I Love You

Roman soldiers stood spitting…

Right in my face no less―

 And yet I understood, this was

The beginning of the test.

While laughing loudly and mocking,

They tore my clothes away;

Then harshly placed a crown of thorns

Upon my head to stay.

Carelessly, they chained and beat me;

It seemed a contest now…

Who could inflict the greatest pain,

Take courage from my brow.

Now tired and weak they placed me

On the cross still on the ground;

The mallet used to drive the nails

Made a horribly deafening sound.

Then struggling to raise me,

They shoved the towering tree

Into a hole deep in the earth,

And they kept mocking me!

“If thou art Christ, the chosen God,

Thy power let us view!”

But I prayed “Father, forgive them

They know not what they do.”

Then searching, I found my mother,

Tears spilling down her cheek.

I gave her to John to care for;

No words of regret did I speak.

Then humbly I spoke “it is finished;”

I died on the cross that day.

But knowing you needed a Savior,

I knew there was no other way.

“I love you,” He quietly told me;

Then calling me by name

He held out His hands to show me…

Now I’ll never be the same.