What Now? Part 2

Devastated. Angry. Scared. Sympathetic, Betrayed. Distraught. Anxious. My emotions were swirling around like a tornado in my head and heart. And physically I was empty of any desire to function or keep myself in check. I had no appetite and forcing myself to eat was completely out of the question. Sleep completely abandoned me as the physical symptoms manifesting my emotional pain continued to barrage my body in the form of intermittent trembling, severe headaches, and extreme fatigue. My ability to think and concentrate was inhibited by images.

It was while I was traveling with my brother that I received a frantic phone call from my son Mark. "Mom", he said in a loud frantic voice, "Dad tried to kill himself. The police and ambulance are here. I need to go, and you need to come home!" And then only suffocating silence remained as I tried to process what I'd just heard. My body began to shake uncontrollably. My head was screaming insanity and confusion. And my 14 year old daughter was sitting in the backseat.

"Who was that?", my brother asked, and a barely audible squeak was all I could get out. "Breathe", I kept repeating to myself over and over again. "In through your nose and out through your mouth". It was completely the opposite of the hyperventilating that was threatening to render me unconscious. "Who was that? What's going on?" my brother questioned in a tone that only added to my panic. "Just a minute" I screamed in my head...but nothing came out of my mouth. "You're really starting to scare me!", he urged one last time. With tears of hysteria streaming down my grief stricken face, I put my hands out and made a motion of cutting a wrist, in my best attempt to deliver a message I was still desperately trying to deny. Immediately, he turned to my daughter Rachel sitting in the back seat and said "You're dad's going to be okay."

To the best of my recollection, we still had a couple of hours before we were to arrive at my step mom's house, where my daughter Heather was waiting with great anticipation for our arrival. When we arrived, Rachel and I waited in the car while my brother went in to tell them about what had happened. A few minutes later, he came out and escorted us into the house, where we were met with hugs and floods of emotion. While I was grateful for the support, I felt overwhelmed and anxious. I needed to connect with Mark to see how he was holding up.

I pulled away and excused myself to a quiet room where I could try to focus on holding myself together. I dialed Mark's number, not really knowing what information I would be faced with when he answered. I wanted to know, but I didn't want to know. The reality of a suicide attempt of such close emotional proximity, left me feeling shattered into a million pieces...and I had no idea how I would begin to face the mess. I just wanted to bury myself in a deep black hole where I would be protected from the fall out of such incapacitating trauma.

"Hi mom." Mark sounded weary. "I'm at the hospital with Dad; he's being prepped for surgery. There's someone here asking a lot of questions I can't answer. I'm going to have them talk to you". I was so numb I didn't really hear who I was speaking with. "Your husband has damaged his jugular vein. He's being prepped for surgery..." Umm jugular vein. That's in your neck, I thought to myself as I laid back on the bed I was sitting on to try and discourage loss of consciousness. I lost the ability to concentrate on the rest of the conversation.

For several hours, I lay there crying and shaking. My emotions flipped erratically from fear and anger, to deep overwhelming sadness and grief. My head was pounding and I was left completely void of any strength to lift any part of my traumatized body from the bed.

What Now? Part 1

 The news of my husband's suicide attempt I received that day, was both crushing and shocking. I immediately began to shake uncontrollably. While desperate pleas for relief were howling in my head, only hollow breathy attempts to express them escaped my quivering lips. Horror gripped me, and swept my breathing into a rapid pace matched only by my racing heart. I quickly realized it was a blessing that it was my brother, and not me, driving to our desired destination.

"How could this happen?", I asked so quietly only God could hear. "Life as I knew it just blew up in my face, and I'm...devastated. I wasn't there to see or hear, but the disturbing images relentlessly assault my brain, while it works to try and fill in the blanks of the details I don't know." For 7 hours my husband laid in nearly half of the blood that had escaped from his body before he realized he'd failed and he was too weak to succeed at his attempt.

"It's not your fault child," God responded. "It has nothing to do with you. Nothing you could have said or done would have prevented it. This is his journey, and this is not the end".

My mind went into overdrive trying to figure out "what now". He was the sole provider for our family, and we still had 2 children living at home. For 27 years, he'd suffered a lot of pain and distress emotionally, which heightened his anxiety and deepened his desperation and depression. He complained of pain in his feet, his hands, his back, and his neck. He required accommodations to his diet, his morning routine, throughout areas of our home, and in his office space at work. With time, his interactions with family, work peers, and members of our church congregation, became less and less as he sunk deeper into despair. Just 2 months earlier he'd woke up one morning and said "I can't go to work anymore."

"So I'm running the house...paying the bills, taking care of kids, dealing with homework, making sure all school meetings, conferences, events and concerts are attended (because what child doesn't want their parents there to see them shine?), paying the taxes, doing the grocery shopping, washing and folding mountains of laundry...you get the idea...and now I need to go to school full-time (because I chose marriage and children over an education), and work full-time as well?"

"How is that humanly possible God?!?!?!?"

And he softly and matter-of-factly responded "It isn't dear". That was all he said, But he sat with me for a very, very long time, and held me close, and wiped my tears. And I felt the truth of his message to me.

I didn't have an answer for "what now?", but I knew it didn't include a herculean effort to keep my family afloat.

You Just Are

"I've learned something really important spending all of this time with you," I said to God as He walked quietly at my side. " Actually, I've learned a lot of important things...but one lesson stands far and above the rest in my mind."

"Anything you'd like to share?" His eyes twinkled as He looked over in my direction and smiled.

"I've learned how important I am to you. I used to wonder if you had time for me...if you knew and understood how I feel, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what kinds of things I struggle with. I imagined you had a lot more important things to handle, what with running the universe and all. But I've discovered I am the center of your universe...along with every other human being. I know you love me, that you cherish me...that I, we, are the very reason you do what you do. That's the reason you always show up when I need you. I never have to beg or plead...you just come. And comfort. And support. And encourage. You see everything good and wonderful and amazing in me. You know me. You know all about me...the good, the bad, and the ugly. And you still love me and want to spend time with me. And I'm grateful beyond my ability to adequately express."

God stopped and turned to face me, taking my hands in His. A tear trickled down His cheek as He stood staring deeply into my eyes. "I love everything about you," He whispered. And nothing more needed to be said.

Stand Fast in This Liberty

"Ugh. Sometimes it's so hard to focus. There are so many voices calling out to me to go this direction or that. You're stupid if you "go there",  if I were in your shoes I'd do this, or if you really knew what was best you'd do this instead. I try so hard to respect the well intended opinions of those who speak up because they care, and to silence the obnoxiously outspoken committee in my head, but sometimes it all gets too loud and overwhelming. My heart and my head begin to doubt what I'm doing, what I'm feeling, and the confidence with which I intentionally move forward. Some days it's just so overpowering, as though a pillow were being suffocatingly shoved into my face. I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't function. I can't feel the comforting peace I've come to recognize and crave so deeply."

"I hear you", God said as He sat down beside me, wrapping me in a warm, tight hug. "But let me remind you, dear, to stand fast, and be firm and unwavering in this place I've brought you to, out of the "bondage" I've freed you from. Don't let your guard down. Don't cave under the pressure or temptation to do contrary to what I've told you. Let NO ONE decide for you what next step to take, or advise you on what's best in your present circumstances. Stay true to your desire to listen to me, to follow my plan for you...no matter what ANYONE else thinks or says. I'm right here. We're taking this journey together. When it gets hard, or confusing, or exhausting, when you want to quit or throw your hands up and walk away, reach out and take my hand instead. I love you. You'll NEVER have to do this alone."

As little as a few years ago, I couldn't comprehend how to reach out and take God's hand. Some of my life's situations have found me in seemingly "helpless" circumstances, where it's been sometimes all too easy to succumb to fear, to be angry at the unfairness of the situation, to be overcome with panic as I sense my inability to escape, or to fall victim to feelings of hopelessness and despair. But I've learned to be still and reach out to God with faith and courage, to turn to Him first, with the expectation that He is ALWAYS there...listening, comforting, teaching me, and never failing to bless me in my time of need. I no longer find myself scrambling to find someone to talk to, who will listen and be trusted to keep confidences; to understand and extend a listening ear and compassionate heart. No matter what, I know I can always depend on God. He NEVER fails to come through with exactly what I need. God's help and strength, love and compassion, comfort and peace are ALWAYS mine for the asking. His is the only voice that can perfectly lead me to peace and safety for my soul.

Because With Him Nothing is Impossible

"I can't believe how far I've come. What an incredible journey this has been. I wouldn't wish the harshness of the experience on anyone, but I wouldn't trade the blessings or the growth."

"You've worked hard", God said as He sat down and pulled me a little closer. "I knew this was going to be rough on you, but telling you that up front would have likely sent you running carelessly to retreat in fear."

"It has been a struggle...a bit of a hardship. I've had to do some things that were very hard for me, that forced me way out of my comfort zone. I've had some humbling experiences and learned some harsh, but necessary lessons. I've experienced huge bouts of anxiety and landed hard in the bottom of the pit of depression. I've floundered and stumbled, and at times I've fallen on my face. But you've always been there to pick me up and dust me off and walked beside me until I could be on my way again."

"You're so much stronger mentally and emotionally", He said as He hugged me. "You have greater courage, you are more resilient, and so much more patient with people and life...and with me. You've learned to trust in my ability to help and heal you, and to guide and protect you. You've learned to do what I ask of you, to internalize and apply what I teach you, and believe the promises I make to you."

"Looking back", I said with tears trickling down my cheeks, "I can see that it's been worth all the effort to overcome every obstacle and difficulty to get where I am today. I know I still have a long way to go, but now I have hope that I will get there."

"Thank you", He said as His eyes met mine. "Thank you for trusting me and never giving up. And don't worry...I'll be with you every step of the rest of the journey because I love you...and you matter to me."

Truth is Still Truth...Even if You Don't Want to Hear it

"Uh...no", I said as I walked away. "I'm just not willing to go there." And God stood quietly and watched until I disappeared out of sight.

There was no turning back as I wandered aimlessly down the road hoping He would forget what just happened. I was angry and embarrassed, and quite frankly I didn't want to have to face the cold hard truth. All of the emotion I was experiencing brought out the stubborn little girl I'd worked so hard to suppress all the days of my youth. She was showing up a little more frequently as of late; I began to be more and more accommodating to her each time she surfaced, while she fed my rationalization with the passion of a hungry lion chasing after its next prey. I didn't need God intervening on this one when I already had it figured out. And so, days turned into weeks while God knocked and I pretended not to hear.

But God is patient. Like swallowing a spoonful of distasteful medicine, bending my will to His, promises strength and healing for my soul. He has a way of peeling the pride from my heart; preparing me to humbly accept the truth of that which He knows I need to hear.

And one day, my freshly humbled heart willed me to open the door.

"This is difficult for you," God said knowingly as He gently placed His hands on my shoulders. "It is, however, an essential part of something you cannot now comprehend, because you cannot see the end from the beginning. Walk with me dear, and we'll work on this together."

I took a deep breath and smiled as He took my hand in His, acknowledging how grateful I was that He could see the end from the beginning. My life seems so complicated. But He continues to work miracles. And once again I feel the depth of His unconditional love.

A New "Dwelling"

"You just can't keep going there," God said as He watched my head sink heavily into my hands. "You can't  move forward if you're always looking behind you."

"It's hard, and complicated," I whispered, "walking away from what I never really had in search of something I don't yet understand."

"Of course it is, but you can do hard and complicated," He said with a wink as He sat down beside me in the warm sun-drenched grass. And I couldn't help but smile.

Sometimes we are called upon to do hard, complicated things. We stand at the crossroad and choose to do the hard thing, or side step and head off in the opposite direction. We choose to follow God's will, or ignore, pretending we know better or that we didn't hear. We choose to take a step forward into the dark, or turn and go back in the direction we came from. We give Him our heart and take His hand, or we run and hide in hopes that He will never find us. God knows better than I do what's best for me, but He will never force His will on me...It's a choice. It's ALWAYS a choice.