Stand Fast in This Liberty

"Ugh. Sometimes it's so hard to focus. There are so many voices calling out to me to go this direction or that. You're stupid if you "go there",  if I were in your shoes I'd do this, or if you really knew what was best you'd do this instead. I try so hard to respect the well intended opinions of those who speak up because they care, and to silence the obnoxiously outspoken committee in my head, but sometimes it all gets too loud and overwhelming. My heart and my head begin to doubt what I'm doing, what I'm feeling, and the confidence with which I intentionally move forward. Some days it's just so overpowering, as though a pillow were being suffocatingly shoved into my face. I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't function. I can't feel the comforting peace I've come to recognize and crave so deeply."

"I hear you", God said as He sat down beside me, wrapping me in a warm, tight hug. "But let me remind you, dear, to stand fast, and be firm and unwavering in this place I've brought you to, out of the "bondage" I've freed you from. Don't let your guard down. Don't cave under the pressure or temptation to do contrary to what I've told you. Let NO ONE decide for you what next step to take, or advise you on what's best in your present circumstances. Stay true to your desire to listen to me, to follow my plan for you...no matter what ANYONE else thinks or says. I'm right here. We're taking this journey together. When it gets hard, or confusing, or exhausting, when you want to quit or throw your hands up and walk away, reach out and take my hand instead. I love you. You'll NEVER have to do this alone."

As little as a few years ago, I couldn't comprehend how to reach out and take God's hand. Some of my life's situations have found me in seemingly "helpless" circumstances, where it's been sometimes all too easy to succumb to fear, to be angry at the unfairness of the situation, to be overcome with panic as I sense my inability to escape, or to fall victim to feelings of hopelessness and despair. But I've learned to be still and reach out to God with faith and courage, to turn to Him first, with the expectation that He is ALWAYS there...listening, comforting, teaching me, and never failing to bless me in my time of need. I no longer find myself scrambling to find someone to talk to, who will listen and be trusted to keep confidences; to understand and extend a listening ear and compassionate heart. No matter what, I know I can always depend on God. He NEVER fails to come through with exactly what I need. God's help and strength, love and compassion, comfort and peace are ALWAYS mine for the asking. His is the only voice that can perfectly lead me to peace and safety for my soul.

Because With Him Nothing is Impossible

"I can't believe how far I've come. What an incredible journey this has been. I wouldn't wish the harshness of the experience on anyone, but I wouldn't trade the blessings or the growth."

"You've worked hard", God said as He sat down and pulled me a little closer. "I knew this was going to be rough on you, but telling you that up front would have likely sent you running carelessly to retreat in fear."

"It has been a struggle...a bit of a hardship. I've had to do some things that were very hard for me, that forced me way out of my comfort zone. I've had some humbling experiences and learned some harsh, but necessary lessons. I've experienced huge bouts of anxiety and landed hard in the bottom of the pit of depression. I've floundered and stumbled, and at times I've fallen on my face. But you've always been there to pick me up and dust me off and walked beside me until I could be on my way again."

"You're so much stronger mentally and emotionally", He said as He hugged me. "You have greater courage, you are more resilient, and so much more patient with people and life...and with me. You've learned to trust in my ability to help and heal you, and to guide and protect you. You've learned to do what I ask of you, to internalize and apply what I teach you, and believe the promises I make to you."

"Looking back", I said with tears trickling down my cheeks, "I can see that it's been worth all the effort to overcome every obstacle and difficulty to get where I am today. I know I still have a long way to go, but now I have hope that I will get there."

"Thank you", He said as His eyes met mine. "Thank you for trusting me and never giving up. And don't worry...I'll be with you every step of the rest of the journey because I love you...and you matter to me."

Truth is Still Truth...Even if You Don't Want to Hear it

"Uh...no", I said as I walked away. "I'm just not willing to go there." And God stood quietly and watched until I disappeared out of sight.

There was no turning back as I wandered aimlessly down the road hoping He would forget what just happened. I was angry and embarrassed, and quite frankly I didn't want to have to face the cold hard truth. All of the emotion I was experiencing brought out the stubborn little girl I'd worked so hard to suppress all the days of my youth. She was showing up a little more frequently as of late; I began to be more and more accommodating to her each time she surfaced, while she fed my rationalization with the passion of a hungry lion chasing after its next prey. I didn't need God intervening on this one when I already had it figured out. And so, days turned into weeks while God knocked and I pretended not to hear.

But God is patient. Like swallowing a spoonful of distasteful medicine, bending my will to His, promises strength and healing for my soul. He has a way of peeling the pride from my heart; preparing me to humbly accept the truth of that which He knows I need to hear.

And one day, my freshly humbled heart willed me to open the door.

"This is difficult for you," God said knowingly as He gently placed His hands on my shoulders. "It is, however, an essential part of something you cannot now comprehend, because you cannot see the end from the beginning. Walk with me dear, and we'll work on this together."

I took a deep breath and smiled as He took my hand in His, acknowledging how grateful I was that He could see the end from the beginning. My life seems so complicated. But He continues to work miracles. And once again I feel the depth of His unconditional love.

A New "Dwelling"

"You just can't keep going there," God said as He watched my head sink heavily into my hands. "You can't  move forward if you're always looking behind you."

"It's hard, and complicated," I whispered, "walking away from what I never really had in search of something I don't yet understand."

"Of course it is, but you can do hard and complicated," He said with a wink as He sat down beside me in the warm sun-drenched grass. And I couldn't help but smile.

Sometimes we are called upon to do hard, complicated things. We stand at the crossroad and choose to do the hard thing, or side step and head off in the opposite direction. We choose to follow God's will, or ignore, pretending we know better or that we didn't hear. We choose to take a step forward into the dark, or turn and go back in the direction we came from. We give Him our heart and take His hand, or we run and hide in hopes that He will never find us. God knows better than I do what's best for me, but He will never force His will on me...It's a choice. It's ALWAYS a choice.

Hindsight

"Wow" I thought as I sat quietly contemplating. "I can't believe how far we've come."  We...God and me.

God pulled me a little closer and His smile grew a little wider. I didn't have to tell Him what I was thinking.

"I couldn't really even imagine this in the beginning. All I could see was the devastation; the brokenness all around me was suffocating. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and hide. But you wouldn't let me."

"Holes are for cowards" God said. "And I taught you better than that...because I love you."

Tears flowed freely as I thought about how true that statement was. God does love me, even when I don't feel deserving of His love. He loves me when I'm sad and weary, or feeling smothered by fear. He loves me when I'm too tired to pray, and when I've frittered away my time for doing things that really matter. He loves me when I'm broken, or prideful, or angry...He loves me always. Forever. No matter what.

"Thanks for that", I said as I leaned my head on His shoulder. I looked up at Him in time to see a tear roll softly down His cheek. And I knew that God knew, that I love Him too.

Stand Aside

"I don't know how much more I can take" I whispered under my breath. "The weight is crushing me."

"You want to tell me about that?" God said as He walked over and sat beside me.

"I'm weary", I stated rather matter of factly. "My mind is consumed with worry and concern, and I can't stretch myself thin enough. I see what needs fixing, but it's too big and overwhelming so I shut down and avoid it...all of it. But my brain doesn't seem to realize my heart is in "over my head". It just keeps reminding me about the "mountain of hopeless-mess" that's staring me in the face. I feel like I'm drowning in the emotional sea of life".

God didn't say anything. He just listened and leaned in a little closer to pull me into a hug. We sat completely silent for a really long time, and my anxiety melted like ice cream in the heat of the summer sun. I love sitting with God. Having Him with me is as calming as the waves crashing on the ocean shore, and as warm and comforting as an oversized soft blanket straight from the clothes dryer. With God beside me, nothing feels overwhemling or scary. He is my best friend.

Then quietly, the answer came. "My child, change your view. Let the burden you carry go...this isn't about you. You are not that powerful. Give up your selfish pride. This test is for someone else. You must stand aside."

Sometimes I do find myself feeling extreme sadness, anger or even fear, about how circumstances surrounding other people are affecting me. The emotion consumes me and I find I've made myself to be a victim of their circumstances. Time and time again, I make it "all about me". But I'm discovering there is wisdom in learning not to internalize other people's trials. While God does expect us to "mourn with those that mourn" and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort", we must not stand in the way while He lifts and comforts, and strengthens and teaches in a way that only He has the power to do.

Are You Brave Enough To Ask?

"What now?" I asked.

"Yes", God said, rather emphatically. "That is the question you must ask...with sincerity...and with real intent. Mere curiosity will not be enough for you to recognize the answer. And you would do well to start now...one day you will be grateful you asked."

"That's it? You're not going to give me anymore?" I asked.

"Yes, that's it" God quietly stated as He lovingly wrapped His arm around my trembling shoulders . "It's in your hands now". And with that, He turned and walked away.

What now. I had no idea what that meant. My life had taken so many twists and turns, and now...

Suddenly I felt lighheaded my heart began pounding, and I couldn't help but feel the pressure of fear and uncertainty wildly take control of me. "This is too much; maybe I don't want to know," I whispered to myself...and the fear won, beating the will of God into the dark, blank corners of my mind.

Days and weeks passed as slowly as a bitter cold winter before I gained enough courage to approach God with an open humble heart. He obviously loved me enough to give me a heads up...and if I trusted Him as much as I professed to, I knew deep down that avoiding the question was really not an option. I knew that He knew I would regret not taking His advice.

And now there are unforseen "forks in my road of life". But the impulse to move ahead in haste, has been replaced with the desire to pause as I ask "what now?" with sincerity, and with real intent to follow His will. I plead with God in my personal prayers day and night, and I ponder as I study the scriptures. And my mind is enlightened with "clues" that I might have otherwise missed.

I think God was right. One day, when I can look back, I believe I will be grateful that I asked. But for now, I am humbled that He loved me enough to extend the invitation.