The Blame Game

I was caught off guard when I looked up and saw God watching me, trembling as I sat silently slumped in a dark corner, wishing there was a rewind button in life. When I realized what I'd done, the stress and anxiety that resulted caused feelings of lightheadedness and nausea. My breathing had become shallow and rapid, and I felt as though I were going to pass out. He didn't say anything; He just sat silently observing, as I buried my face in my hands while hot tears coursed their way down my hot flushed cheeks. I hate making mistakes...any mistake, but the big ones, often the result of my own carelessness, are especially traumatizing. I know it's part of life, but I don't handle it well. I've never been one to break the rules or wander off of the "straight and narrow" path of obedience. I'm not perfect by any means, but my mistakes are rarely the result of blatent, intentional disobedience.

When the tears finally ran out, and my breathing returned to normal, I raised my weary head to see God smiling, and motioning for me to take a seat right next to Him. Knowing how much He loves me motivated me to do just that and I sat close, snuggling right into Him. As He wrapped His big strong arm around me, I let myself soak in the warmth and comfort of His embrace.

"It wasn't my fault. I don't know how it happened," I said. "I was so careful. I've done it a billion times and it's never turned out like this. I just don't get it." God pulled me into a tight hug as the tears began to spill again, completely out of my control. "I'm so sorry. It was an honest mistake. I didn't do it on purpose. I really don't understand what happened."

"You weren't as careful as you think you were," God said. "I can show you what went wrong. You're right, it was an honest mistake, but you were distracted...you weren't paying close enough attention to details that ultimately altered the outcome of your choice. Thankfully, this can be repaired, but it will take some time and a lot of work and patience on your part. It's human nature to want to find something or someone to blame, but deep introspection and a willingness to "hear" and accept the truth is necessary for the building of a noble and virtuous character. Acceptance of a seemingly harsh reality promotes deeper feelings of compassion toward others who make greater life altering choices which, though they often later come to regret, create in them feelings of unworthiness and self loathing; often these lead to the giving up of their will to try...or in some cases their will to live."

"Mistakes happen. But how you handle them, what you choose to learn from them ultimately will make or break you. Be at peace child...all is not lost."

A Balancing Act

"Guess I wasn't paying attention," I said with a hint of disgust and regret. "It's so easy to take whatever the day throws at me; then it's over, and I realize I have nothing to show for it. Or, I have way too much proof that I went with someone else's plan for me, and I'm left with an overwhelming chaotic mess of natural consequences."

God took my hand in His and pulled me a little closer. He's such a good listener. There's nothing I'm afraid to tell Him, and He never makes me feel ashamed.

"It's easy to let life get away from you dear. There is much to say for carefully thought out plans.
And with significant guidance and direction, I can help you with priorities and perspective that will better ensure plans that fulfull a purpose. It's no better to neglect life than to waste it wishing for possesions, conditions or acheivements that lie outside of your reach. I have given you the gift of agency. Use it wisely lest you become a prisoner of someone else's choices, or circumstances the result of your choosing unwisely...or not choosing at all."

It happens once in awhile. Just out of the blue. I suddenly come to the realization that my life is out of control. I have no plan. I have no agenda. I get out of bed and life happens and I have nothing to show for it. I'm physically exhausted, emotionally spent, mentally checked out and spiritually dead. Such a price to pay for losing my focus and letting my life slip out of balance.

How grateful I am for every new day...for the chance to repent, to repair that which has gone awry or been neglected; to regroup and get myself headed again in the right direction. What a blessing that I matter enough to God that He would partner with me in planning, redirecting and fulfulling my purpose...in making my life the very best He knows it can be.

The Path of Least Resistance

"I can't concentrate and I'm so weary. Please...I can't take it anymore."

Jesus smiled, but it wasn't a snickering smile...it was so apparent He was concerned; He had come to sit beside me before I even called for Him. There's no question in my mind He really loves me.

 "Just sit with it; Don't fight it dear...resisting will only increase your suffering."

"I don't know how to 'sit with it'," I said with a little more than a hint of sarcasm. "I feel like running. I can't breathe. It's overwhelming. The heaviness of it is crushing me and I feel my anxiety level climbing with bursting speed. This is the case every time I have something difficult to deal with. My thoughts and emotions race out of control. I can't stop thinking about what could have been or what should have been, and I fight with feelings of regret, disappointment, jealousy, anger and frustration, sadness, shame, loneliness and fear. What's wrong with me? When am I ever going to learn? Why does my life have to be so harsh? Why can't I get it right?"

His presence was as comforting as a warm soft blanket on a frosty winter night; I couldn't help but look up and notice the depth of understanding in His eyes. He sat quietly, offering no reply...seemingly unaffected by all of the sights and sounds around us that heavily assaulted my worry obsessed heart and mind. It didn't take long for me to realize He was showing me how to "sit with it".

"Life just seems to get the best of me," I said. "Sometimes the distress and anguish consume me; I feel as though I'm drowning in an ocean of despair. There seems to be no relief."

"Absorb the sights and sounds around you," I heard Him say "...simply take them in without labeling or focusing on them. Let them flow in, and then out as quickly as they came in. Feel the tightness in your chest, the churning in your stomach, the tears burning in your eyes, the tension in your throat; and give yourself permission to feel deeply the sadness, the anger, the loneliness and the fear...all of the emotions that are linked to those physical sensations. Be kind to yourself. The relief comes only when you show compassion, a deep awareness and sympathy for suffering. So many are willing to give compassion to others, but never consider it for themselves. Show compassion to your soul...Go with the pain. Allow yourself to become deeply aware of your inner core. Give yourself permission to hurt and plenty of time to heal...don't push away or resist what you're feeling, for resistance will surely intensify the suffering. It's hard and uncomfortable, but so worth it when the healing finally comes and you recognize the strength you've gained through such endurance.

Love. For myself. Sympathy for my OWN suffering. Personal permission and plenty of time. In short, He taught me a valuable lesson...there's a deeper level to taking care of myself...loving ME with the same gentleness and kindness, acceptance and comforting as He offers me in my times of suffering and distress. I get it now. Don't run. Don't resist. Just sit with it for as long as it takes. Just sit with Him. And I will be OK.

The Keeper of My Heart

"Why do you allow hate and envy and war and terror?" I asked God as He sat quietly beside me in the comforting warmth of the afternoon sun. "It's everywhere...and it makes me shudder with sickening sadness and anxiety. You can fix it. You can take it away. You can prevent it. And yet, you choose not to." God's eyes seemed to be fixed on something far off in the distance; I wondered if He was even listening to me. 


"Control and power...undiluted selfishness," He said as He turned toward me to stare straight into my soul. "It's the natural tendency for mankind and the driving force behind all that is evil and unfair. It is not my way to exert compulsion or strength upon my children to coerce them to obedience. And, sometimes the consequences of one's disobedient choices and actions are far reaching in the lives of innocent bystanders, destroying all that is safe and familiar and peaceful."    

I sighed heavily as I thought about what He said. I was all too familiar with the destruction of all I knew to be safe and familiar and peaceful due to the choices of other people. And where was the justice?


Suddenly, huge choking sobs burst from my throat, as I suddenly realized not what, but who God had seen in the distance...the One who knew better than anyone about justice sat down beside me, and pulled me into a long tight hug:

I am quickly sinking

Into a deep black hole.

“Why is it I must suffer,

When another lacks control?”

My life would be so different

If only my sins mattered;

Instead I’m being punished…

My world’s completely shattered.

“Yes, child, you are sinking,

But it’s not your only choice.

Reach for my hand, hold onto me,

Just listen to my voice.

I understand your thinking,

But you must try to see;

My suffering in Gethsemane…

That was for you, not me.”

Sometimes I feel so alone. I feel like there is no one that understands the "unfairness" of my life...really knows what I'm going through. There are things in my heart much too difficult to share; I am too vulnerable and broken to risk the shattering of yet another hope or dream. But there is comfort in being reminded I am not alone when I watch for the hand of God in my life, and the footsteps of the Savior, the keeper of my heart, walking beside me. 

Growing Pains

"I don't get it," I said. "Move forward...where am I headed? You haven't told me the plan. How far do I go? Where am I going to end up? How long is this going to take? How will I know I've arrived? Can't you give me more information"? My level of anxiety was growing with the intensity of a rumbling volcano, and rebellion threatened to terminate my trust with increasingly irrepressible force.

God just smiled while He waited for me to breathe. There would be no forcing me to go anywhere or do anything, but He knew my time here in this place was done...the place where I'd spent so much time and energy, and felt an incredible amount of pain; where I'd learned some of life's harshest, most breathtaking lessons, and felt a bounteous shower of heavenly blessings revive my shriveling spirit. I'd experienced a devastating demolition, and cried rivers of tears, as I sorted through the rubble; then together with God, I'd built something incredibly beautiful. And now He was asking me to leave. "Why?" I asked as I tried desperately to hide my anger and disappointment. "If you knew I would leave...why all the sorting, sifting and rebuilding? Why couldn't you just let me leave the whole stupid mess behind and start from scratch? I could have been done by now. Moved on. Such a waste." I couldn't even look at Him. I turned away and considered running as hot tears streamed down my crimson colored cheeks, but I learned long ago you can't run from God.

Once again, He smiled and gently took my hand in His. "It was not a waste dear. No more a waste than the experience of a baby chick pecking it's way out of an egg or a butterfly struggling to escape the confines of a cocoon. It was the only way I could ensure you gained the strength you'll need for what lies ahead. To allow you to walk away would surely have been easy and less painful; but it would have left you weak, and susceptible to a sure demise in the face of difficulties yet to come."  Like the air escaping from a balloon, my anger began to dissipate. As I turned and looked straight into God's eyes I knew that He was right. Overwhelming feelings of humility and gratitude washed over me as I was reminded just how much He must love me.

"Moving forward," He said, "does not require letting go of the memories. They are enmeshed in your soul, now a part of you forever. They serve as reminders, as symbols, of where you've been, and how far you've progressed; eternal markers of growth like the rings found hidden deep inside of the trunk of a tree. Embrace them, and do not try to suppress them when they suddenly surface as though beckoned from deep within your hidden past. They serve as reminders that experiences, sometimes harsh and ugly, propel you from the prison-like plateau of apathy."

So I'm at peace with moving forward; embracing the memories of my past while choosing to be present in this stretch of my journey, consciously placing my feet in the footprints of God as He leads me on my path to eternity. And I'm grateful, that He chooses never to leave me to make it on my own.

It's Not What It Seems

"It's a weird place to be" I said through my tears,"mourning what was, while feeling such deep gratitude for what now is". God smiled and I knew He understood. "The past was painful and stifling, but it was familiar; and oddly I grew accustomed to the security of the confining limitations it placed on me. In hindsight, I understand how messed up it was; such a sorry excuse for what could have been."

God took my hand in His. "What could have been..." He said. "It was what it needed to be. The greatest lessons are learned when the predictability of life, no matter how dysfunctional, suddenly disappears like the last bit of earth at the edge of a cliff, and you're forced to take drastic measures to ensure you end up on more stable ground".

Hmmm...It was what it needed to be...I sat with that for a long while as my mind mulled over my past; it was unpleasant to say the least...and about as problematic as the plowing of a long ignored stretch of parched, rock filled soil.

"Don't allow regret to suffocate the progress that comes with change," God said. "Embrace the strength that comes from learning to flap the awkward wings of uncertainty on your journey through this mortal experience...and never let discouragement choke the gratitude that grows in the quiet corners of your heart. It will carry you far, and fuel the peace that you'll find subtly working it's way into every fiber of your being."

Truth be known, God has a plan for me. It's not turning out to be anything like I imagined it would be. Sometimes I think He might just have me confused with someone else; but in His wise and wonderful way, He reminds me, He really does know what He's doing. He is perfect in His ability to orchestrate every detail and aspect of my life, to ensure I have the privilege of learning what He knows will best aid me in becoming who He knows I can become. I just have to trust, and keep moving, putting one foot in front of the other until I reach my journey's end.

On Moving Mountains

"My heart is really hurting," I said as God sat down beside me. He said nothing as He waited for me to continue. But the words I tried to speak were swallowed whole by the choking sobs erupting from my throat. Gently, He pulled me closer and wrapped His arm around my quaking shoulders.
It's a comforting thing to sit with God. I never have to worry what He's thinking about me.

"This isn't turning out the way I expected. I put such painstaking thought and effort and so. much. time into it. Yes, it was lopsided and messy because I'm really not that good at it. And there were times when I wondered if it was worth saving. But it was mine. I didn't hold back...I gave it my all. I spent a LOT of time observing others around me with theirs, to see if I could make adjustments and improvements...some were so amazing. Others were lacking but coming along pretty good with a little extra effort.  And there were some that cracked and began to crumble. It was interesting to witness some people pick up the pieces, while others chose to just walk away. I had high hopes for mine. But it exploded. BOOM! Just like that I was left with an unrecognizable mountain of rubble."

I stopped to catch my breath, but felt compelled to remain silent. There was no hurry to get my words out. God always sits with me for as long as I need Him to. It was a bittersweet moment as I found myself glancing at the nearly empty space that once occupied that mountainous pile of rubble, and realized I had, through an incredibly difficult process of sifting and sorting, literally "moved a mountain".

"You need to sit with this for awhile," God said. "There is much to be learned through observing not only what is before you, but what is inside of you as well. The pain in your heart serves a purpose. It makes you keenly aware of growth. Some day, when you look back on this experience from a new vantage point, you will appreciate the pain, which serves as a physical sign of change and progress and movement to a higher, holier ground."

God is my best friend. Every day He helps me see things in a different, better way. I'm so grateful that I am worthy of His time and patience. My heart is overwhelmed with the love He has for me, a seemingly insignificant, but oh so cherished, daughter of God. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf (2nd Counselor in the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) said it best when he stated "Compared to God we are nothing...but to God we are everything." How that makes my heart sing!

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2013-01-002-earthly-father-heavenly-father?lang=eng