It's Good Enough For Him So It's Good Enough For Me

"Just wanted to remind you how much I love you", God whispered as He sat down beside me. "And I hope you never forget how much I appreciate what you've done for those kiddos I sent you."

Not too long ago I would have argued...or shrugged Him off at least. For a long time I didn't feel very successful as a mother. And once a year, when Mother's Day rolled around, I got a painful reminder from the committee in my head that I was a complete fool for even considering taking on the role.

Then God wrapped His arms around me and smothered me in love, while He reminded me of the amazing gifts He's blessed me with...genuine love for people, the ability to see through life's problems, the gift to understand His words and explain them well, a compassionate heart, the gift of laughter, a forgiving heart, and so many more. "All of these", He told me, "I've given you to help you in your role as mother. There is no greater calling. It's not easy. There will be mistakes. Some days will be overwhelming. Feelings of failure and defeat, discouragement and fatigue will creep in, and your heart will be shattered on more than one occasion. But no one will be of greater influence, sacrifice more, experience more joy, than a mother."

"Don't waste your time beating yourself up, putting yourself down, feeling responsible for your children's poor choices. This mortal life is a individual journey...you can walk beside them, but you can't carry them. You can guide them, but you can't move their feet. You can love them, but you can't save them...I gave that responsibility to your Elder Brother. And He's perfect at what He does...so trust Him and trust me...and don't stand in the way."

"You are wonderful. You are priceless to me. I'm here for you and I love you...always, forever and no matter what. Just do your best...and leave the rest to me."

Now I love Mother's Day. I am grateful for the blessing of motherhood. I love and honor and cherish my role...I'm grateful that God entrusted me with some of His children, who were His long before they were mine. I'm grateful for all of the other women who have helped and encouraged me, provided examples for me to follow; and for the Savior, who reaches in to fill in the gaps. I have never been perfect, but I've given it my best. And that is all God expects from me. To Him, my 10 is good enough! So, I allow it to be good enough for me.

Connection

Only moments ago

I wondered who you were;

Now that I am holding you

My heart begins to stir.

Suddenly I recognize

Now that we’re together,

I would give up everything

To be with you forever.

-Karla Claybrook

Because I Love You

Roman soldiers stood spitting…

Right in my face no less―

 And yet I understood, this was

The beginning of the test.

While laughing loudly and mocking,

They tore my clothes away;

Then harshly placed a crown of thorns

Upon my head to stay.

Carelessly, they chained and beat me;

It seemed a contest now…

Who could inflict the greatest pain,

Take courage from my brow.

Now tired and weak they placed me

On the cross still on the ground;

The mallet used to drive the nails

Made a horribly deafening sound.

Then struggling to raise me,

They shoved the towering tree

Into a hole deep in the earth,

And they kept mocking me!

“If thou art Christ, the chosen God,

Thy power let us view!”

But I prayed “Father, forgive them

They know not what they do.”

Then searching, I found my mother,

Tears spilling down her cheek.

I gave her to John to care for;

No words of regret did I speak.

Then humbly I spoke “it is finished;”

I died on the cross that day.

But knowing you needed a Savior,

I knew there was no other way.

“I love you,” He quietly told me;

Then calling me by name

He held out His hands to show me…

Now I’ll never be the same.

Were You Born In A Barn?

"I'm so exhausted," I complained. I was looking for some "company" at my pity party, but God declined my invitation. He just stood gazing into the distance, while I proceeded to squirm uncomfortably in the deafening silence...and suddenly God was about as welcome in my space as an intrusion of cockroaches.

"I've been watching you," He said as He took my hands. I felt a mountain of dread quickly overtaking me as He pulled me up out of my seat. "You have a heart full of goodness and kindness, selflessness and patience, encouragement and love...a heart of gold that proves all too fragile with the "unexpected" invasions of sadness, disappointment, embarrassment or fear, carefully cloaked in the billowing cape of anger. Easily caught off guard, you instinctively slip into the protection of emotional isolation, as trust gushes from your anguished, wounded heart."

I couldn't argue. He was right. My heart is fragile, the result of a lifetime of  handing it over much too freely, in exchange for validation, acceptance, attention and approval; I AM exhausted, and oh so weary.

"It's been all or none," I said. "I don't know how to do it any differently. I need help."

God pulled me into a hug as we stood silently watching the sun slowly sink behind the horizon. And in the silence I found the help I needed as I contemplated why I chose to have a relationship with Him:

• He is kind and gentle in His words and actions toward me. 
• He is patient, and tolerant of my weaknesses. 
• He loves me just the way I am, but encouraging of my desire to change and improve.
• He makes me smile and helps me see the good in every situation.
• He is comforting and compassionate, but doesn't rescue me from difficult situations or experiences.
• He is my friend...even when I feel angry and push Him away.
• He allows me to use my voice and my agency.
• He respects my personal space and boundaries.
• When I make a mistake He holds me accountable.
• His greatest desire is for my happiness and well being.
• I don't have to do anything to earn His love; He'll love me forever and always...no matter what.

"I think you're finally beginning to recognize how much you mean to me," God said. "With time, that understanding will sink deeper and deeper into your heart, filling the void you've so desperately been trying to fill. It will take time, lots of time, dear, for healing to take place. And in the process of healing, you will recognize that only MY heart is large enough, perfect enough...sufficient to take the world in. We must guard yours carefully. Stay with me," He whispered,"and I will help you keep it safe."

The Game of Risk

"Wait!" I said a little more impatiently than I had intended. "Just wait. I can't breathe."

Without a moment's hesitation, God turned around and traced His steps back to where I was standing. I couldn't hide my anxiety, or the fear I felt quickly flooding my insides before it burst out of my throat as a poorly disguised fit of anger.

I sat down hard and closed my eyes, wishing He couldn't see the fury of conflict assaulting my fragile heart. I knew where He was taking me. While the thought of proceeding evoked in me feelings of monumental distress, I couldn't dismiss the possibility for exhilaration when all was said and done. I was caught in a defining moment, knowing full well that my decision to face my fear or sprint hastily back to my comfort zone would ultimately determine my fate. With either choice came consequences I wasn't prepared to face. Time seemed to stand still as my head and my heart clashed in deafening silence.

"There will be many of these," God said. He seemed to understand my struggle, but gave no indication there was need for haste."...Moments when internal conflict will drive you to answer to the call for courage or shrink at the threat of fear. I know them well. You're not in it alone. I'll never walk away; I'll hold your hand, but the choice will always be yours."

Therein lies the conflict. Fear looms large and threatening, while courage lies deep and quiet...rising only when invited. There is risk in turning my back on fear; but God never fails to strengthen my voice...and courage never disappoints me.

I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up

I was really feeling the weight of the load I was carrying. Suddenly, I couldn't stop my body from collapsing. My legs gave out as the last bit of energy seeped from me and I hit the ground with a hard thud. "I'm so weary...it's way too much" I thought, as I lay there trying unsuccessfully to hold back the flood of tears that flowed down the side of my head into the cold, wet grass beneath me. I closed my eyes and let out a long deep sigh. 

I had not an inkling as to how long I laid there before I felt an arm gently slide under my head. It seemed to require more strength than I could muster to open my eyes and identify the one who had come to my aid, but I knew it was Him.

"That was a hard fall", God said. "But you're going to be okay." He didn't try to move me, or take the load off of me; there was no lecture or criticism. He just sat beside me, and in His kind and gentle way He took my hand in His, and softly stroked my head.

"It's too heavy," I said in a barely audible whisper. "I know," He said. "I understand how crushing a heavy load can be." As more time passed, I became conflicted about wasting so much of it, while wanting so desperately to lay there forever feeling the comfort that only He could provide.

"The pain I feel while carrying this load is pretty intense", I finally admitted, "but I just try to ignore it and keep going so I can get there faster. I just want to be done."

"Dear child", He said, "The pain, whether physical or emotional, is not to be ignored. It's a defense mechanism that alerts you to injury and is intended to protect you from further damage...a signal to stop and pay attention, and seek necessary aid. To ignore pain is harmful and irresponsible, and prolongs the healing process. I wouldn't force you to stop, but until you do I can offer no relief. The journey is long. You must stop at reasonable intervals for help and healing, or you will surely perish". 

I guess "sometimes you have to fall down, because there's something down there you're supposed to find" (Author unknown). I found insight and inspiration, wisdom and greater understanding. I found rest and peace, and comfort and courage. I found perspective...and I found a reminder that life's most difficult moments bring Heaven's most incredible blessings.

Faith Lift

It matters not how deep the hole is...

How dark the night is...

How broken your heart is...

How hopeless your life feels...

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2013-01-003-mountains-to-climb?lang=eng

Can You Hear Me Now?

"I don't know how to thank you", I said as tears rolled off my chin and splashed into my lap. "I love you", God said. And I felt the truth of that declaration so strongly, as His eyes looked deep into my soul. "Of course I'm going to keep trying until I get through to you. I understand there is noise, and distractions that appear to create barriers to my communication with you. But if you are willing to listen, I can always get through."

God was certainly right about that. Often I find that even in the quietest moments of life there is never really silence; I pick up on the soft chirping of a bird in the distance, the faint honking of a car horn, the constant whirring of the fan as it blows to create a welcome breeze on a stuffy summer night, the rhythm of the inhaling and exhaling of my lungs as they instinctively take in oxygen, and sometimes even the beating of my own heart.

I frequently get distracted by the "voices" of society, that presumtiously declare the definition of what is right and true, and fair and acceptable. On occasion, the many "voices in my head"...my wishes and dreams, my plans and expectations, my will...sometimes collide with the voice and will of God, which He promises will ultimately bring me the most peace and happiness that can be experienced in this mortal life.

I used to view God's will for me in a broad sense, one that left me in control as long as I stayed within certain boundaries and guidelines...be kind, serve others, be obedient, strive to be happy, in short: be a decent human being...but I find He desires to be so intimately involved in my life, there is guidance and direction given in even the tiniest details if I allow it.

I feel such gratitude. There are no words to express how thankful I am that "I matter to Him."

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2012-05-8310-you-matter-to-him?lang=eng

Every aspect of my life is important to Him; the most powerful being in the universe is mindful of my fears, my weaknesses, my struggles, my feelings. No matter how small a concern, if it's important to me, it's important to Him. He sees the end from the beginning. He knows what's in my best interest, what will help me grow stronger. He knows how to protect me, and what will bring me true happiness. I am grateful for His guidance...and I love Him, and trust Him more than I have words to express. So, I've decided I won't hesitate to listen for, and follow His direction even if it means standing alone, changing my plans or stepping outside of my comfort zone. Because HE is worth it.