Were You Born In A Barn?

"I'm so exhausted," I complained. I was looking for some "company" at my pity party, but God declined my invitation. He just stood gazing into the distance, while I proceeded to squirm uncomfortably in the deafening silence...and suddenly God was about as welcome in my space as an intrusion of cockroaches.

"I've been watching you," He said as He took my hands. I felt a mountain of dread quickly overtaking me as He pulled me up out of my seat. "You have a heart full of goodness and kindness, selflessness and patience, encouragement and love...a heart of gold that proves all too fragile with the "unexpected" invasions of sadness, disappointment, embarrassment or fear, carefully cloaked in the billowing cape of anger. Easily caught off guard, you instinctively slip into the protection of emotional isolation, as trust gushes from your anguished, wounded heart."

I couldn't argue. He was right. My heart is fragile, the result of a lifetime of  handing it over much too freely, in exchange for validation, acceptance, attention and approval; I AM exhausted, and oh so weary.

"It's been all or none," I said. "I don't know how to do it any differently. I need help."

God pulled me into a hug as we stood silently watching the sun slowly sink behind the horizon. And in the silence I found the help I needed as I contemplated why I chose to have a relationship with Him:

• He is kind and gentle in His words and actions toward me. 
• He is patient, and tolerant of my weaknesses. 
• He loves me just the way I am, but encouraging of my desire to change and improve.
• He makes me smile and helps me see the good in every situation.
• He is comforting and compassionate, but doesn't rescue me from difficult situations or experiences.
• He is my friend...even when I feel angry and push Him away.
• He allows me to use my voice and my agency.
• He respects my personal space and boundaries.
• When I make a mistake He holds me accountable.
• His greatest desire is for my happiness and well being.
• I don't have to do anything to earn His love; He'll love me forever and always...no matter what.

"I think you're finally beginning to recognize how much you mean to me," God said. "With time, that understanding will sink deeper and deeper into your heart, filling the void you've so desperately been trying to fill. It will take time, lots of time, dear, for healing to take place. And in the process of healing, you will recognize that only MY heart is large enough, perfect enough...sufficient to take the world in. We must guard yours carefully. Stay with me," He whispered,"and I will help you keep it safe."

The Game of Risk

"Wait!" I said a little more impatiently than I had intended. "Just wait. I can't breathe."

Without a moment's hesitation, God turned around and traced His steps back to where I was standing. I couldn't hide my anxiety, or the fear I felt quickly flooding my insides before it burst out of my throat as a poorly disguised fit of anger.

I sat down hard and closed my eyes, wishing He couldn't see the fury of conflict assaulting my fragile heart. I knew where He was taking me. While the thought of proceeding evoked in me feelings of monumental distress, I couldn't dismiss the possibility for exhilaration when all was said and done. I was caught in a defining moment, knowing full well that my decision to face my fear or sprint hastily back to my comfort zone would ultimately determine my fate. With either choice came consequences I wasn't prepared to face. Time seemed to stand still as my head and my heart clashed in deafening silence.

"There will be many of these," God said. He seemed to understand my struggle, but gave no indication there was need for haste."...Moments when internal conflict will drive you to answer to the call for courage or shrink at the threat of fear. I know them well. You're not in it alone. I'll never walk away; I'll hold your hand, but the choice will always be yours."

Therein lies the conflict. Fear looms large and threatening, while courage lies deep and quiet...rising only when invited. There is risk in turning my back on fear; but God never fails to strengthen my voice...and courage never disappoints me.

I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up

I was really feeling the weight of the load I was carrying. Suddenly, I couldn't stop my body from collapsing. My legs gave out as the last bit of energy seeped from me and I hit the ground with a hard thud. "I'm so weary...it's way too much" I thought, as I lay there trying unsuccessfully to hold back the flood of tears that flowed down the side of my head into the cold, wet grass beneath me. I closed my eyes and let out a long deep sigh. 

I had not an inkling as to how long I laid there before I felt an arm gently slide under my head. It seemed to require more strength than I could muster to open my eyes and identify the one who had come to my aid, but I knew it was Him.

"That was a hard fall", God said. "But you're going to be okay." He didn't try to move me, or take the load off of me; there was no lecture or criticism. He just sat beside me, and in His kind and gentle way He took my hand in His, and softly stroked my head.

"It's too heavy," I said in a barely audible whisper. "I know," He said. "I understand how crushing a heavy load can be." As more time passed, I became conflicted about wasting so much of it, while wanting so desperately to lay there forever feeling the comfort that only He could provide.

"The pain I feel while carrying this load is pretty intense", I finally admitted, "but I just try to ignore it and keep going so I can get there faster. I just want to be done."

"Dear child", He said, "The pain, whether physical or emotional, is not to be ignored. It's a defense mechanism that alerts you to injury and is intended to protect you from further damage...a signal to stop and pay attention, and seek necessary aid. To ignore pain is harmful and irresponsible, and prolongs the healing process. I wouldn't force you to stop, but until you do I can offer no relief. The journey is long. You must stop at reasonable intervals for help and healing, or you will surely perish". 

I guess "sometimes you have to fall down, because there's something down there you're supposed to find" (Author unknown). I found insight and inspiration, wisdom and greater understanding. I found rest and peace, and comfort and courage. I found perspective...and I found a reminder that life's most difficult moments bring Heaven's most incredible blessings.

Faith Lift

It matters not how deep the hole is...

How dark the night is...

How broken your heart is...

How hopeless your life feels...

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2013-01-003-mountains-to-climb?lang=eng

Can You Hear Me Now?

"I don't know how to thank you", I said as tears rolled off my chin and splashed into my lap. "I love you", God said. And I felt the truth of that declaration so strongly, as His eyes looked deep into my soul. "Of course I'm going to keep trying until I get through to you. I understand there is noise, and distractions that appear to create barriers to my communication with you. But if you are willing to listen, I can always get through."

God was certainly right about that. Often I find that even in the quietest moments of life there is never really silence; I pick up on the soft chirping of a bird in the distance, the faint honking of a car horn, the constant whirring of the fan as it blows to create a welcome breeze on a stuffy summer night, the rhythm of the inhaling and exhaling of my lungs as they instinctively take in oxygen, and sometimes even the beating of my own heart.

I frequently get distracted by the "voices" of society, that presumtiously declare the definition of what is right and true, and fair and acceptable. On occasion, the many "voices in my head"...my wishes and dreams, my plans and expectations, my will...sometimes collide with the voice and will of God, which He promises will ultimately bring me the most peace and happiness that can be experienced in this mortal life.

I used to view God's will for me in a broad sense, one that left me in control as long as I stayed within certain boundaries and guidelines...be kind, serve others, be obedient, strive to be happy, in short: be a decent human being...but I find He desires to be so intimately involved in my life, there is guidance and direction given in even the tiniest details if I allow it.

I feel such gratitude. There are no words to express how thankful I am that "I matter to Him."

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2012-05-8310-you-matter-to-him?lang=eng

Every aspect of my life is important to Him; the most powerful being in the universe is mindful of my fears, my weaknesses, my struggles, my feelings. No matter how small a concern, if it's important to me, it's important to Him. He sees the end from the beginning. He knows what's in my best interest, what will help me grow stronger. He knows how to protect me, and what will bring me true happiness. I am grateful for His guidance...and I love Him, and trust Him more than I have words to express. So, I've decided I won't hesitate to listen for, and follow His direction even if it means standing alone, changing my plans or stepping outside of my comfort zone. Because HE is worth it.

The Blame Game

I was caught off guard when I looked up and saw God watching me, trembling as I sat silently slumped in a dark corner, wishing there was a rewind button in life. When I realized what I'd done, the stress and anxiety that resulted caused feelings of lightheadedness and nausea. My breathing had become shallow and rapid, and I felt as though I were going to pass out. He didn't say anything; He just sat silently observing, as I buried my face in my hands while hot tears coursed their way down my hot flushed cheeks. I hate making mistakes...any mistake, but the big ones, often the result of my own carelessness, are especially traumatizing. I know it's part of life, but I don't handle it well. I've never been one to break the rules or wander off of the "straight and narrow" path of obedience. I'm not perfect by any means, but my mistakes are rarely the result of blatent, intentional disobedience.

When the tears finally ran out, and my breathing returned to normal, I raised my weary head to see God smiling, and motioning for me to take a seat right next to Him. Knowing how much He loves me motivated me to do just that and I sat close, snuggling right into Him. As He wrapped His big strong arm around me, I let myself soak in the warmth and comfort of His embrace.

"It wasn't my fault. I don't know how it happened," I said. "I was so careful. I've done it a billion times and it's never turned out like this. I just don't get it." God pulled me into a tight hug as the tears began to spill again, completely out of my control. "I'm so sorry. It was an honest mistake. I didn't do it on purpose. I really don't understand what happened."

"You weren't as careful as you think you were," God said. "I can show you what went wrong. You're right, it was an honest mistake, but you were distracted...you weren't paying close enough attention to details that ultimately altered the outcome of your choice. Thankfully, this can be repaired, but it will take some time and a lot of work and patience on your part. It's human nature to want to find something or someone to blame, but deep introspection and a willingness to "hear" and accept the truth is necessary for the building of a noble and virtuous character. Acceptance of a seemingly harsh reality promotes deeper feelings of compassion toward others who make greater life altering choices which, though they often later come to regret, create in them feelings of unworthiness and self loathing; often these lead to the giving up of their will to try...or in some cases their will to live."

"Mistakes happen. But how you handle them, what you choose to learn from them ultimately will make or break you. Be at peace child...all is not lost."

A Balancing Act

"Guess I wasn't paying attention," I said with a hint of disgust and regret. "It's so easy to take whatever the day throws at me; then it's over, and I realize I have nothing to show for it. Or, I have way too much proof that I went with someone else's plan for me, and I'm left with an overwhelming chaotic mess of natural consequences."

God took my hand in His and pulled me a little closer. He's such a good listener. There's nothing I'm afraid to tell Him, and He never makes me feel ashamed.

"It's easy to let life get away from you dear. There is much to say for carefully thought out plans.
And with significant guidance and direction, I can help you with priorities and perspective that will better ensure plans that fulfull a purpose. It's no better to neglect life than to waste it wishing for possesions, conditions or acheivements that lie outside of your reach. I have given you the gift of agency. Use it wisely lest you become a prisoner of someone else's choices, or circumstances the result of your choosing unwisely...or not choosing at all."

It happens once in awhile. Just out of the blue. I suddenly come to the realization that my life is out of control. I have no plan. I have no agenda. I get out of bed and life happens and I have nothing to show for it. I'm physically exhausted, emotionally spent, mentally checked out and spiritually dead. Such a price to pay for losing my focus and letting my life slip out of balance.

How grateful I am for every new day...for the chance to repent, to repair that which has gone awry or been neglected; to regroup and get myself headed again in the right direction. What a blessing that I matter enough to God that He would partner with me in planning, redirecting and fulfulling my purpose...in making my life the very best He knows it can be.